It's similar to when someone dies.
You are so hurt that they left you. So angry that they put you through this pain. So sad that they'll never be a part of your world again. I am on a rollercoaster.
I went to see Beth last night - and that will be a different entry because it was so much fun and I want that to be a happy entry....but anyway - I had a great time...even though I'm sick as hell. I'm home now...and I'm alone...And that's when all these thoughts start swirling around.
I guess if you've never been through a divorce you can't really understand. Breaking up with Brian was really hard on me and I thought that would be the hardest thing I'd ever do. A breakup and a divorce - two different things and now I realize that.
Nothing in me wants him back - nothing. I just go from being filled with rage that he would be so hateful to do this to me - to being so sad that my marriage ended. And then I'm feeling sorry for him for being raised by such a douchebag, because that's part of his fucking problem.I feel so out of control right now. My emotions are all over the place. I have no control over them and I can't stand it.
Something else about this that I don't understand...is that it just hits me like a ton of bricks and I never see it coming. I can be in a great mood and then it just hits me and I'm overwhelmed with grief. Just 20 minutes ago I was making hot tea and I remembered that once when Luke made me mad over something stupid he went to the Asian grocery store for me and bought me my favorite green tea. So I was making my tea and I just stood there and sobbed. I couldn't stop. I laid on my kitchen floor and sobbed. Who fucking does that???? It's literally like physical pain.This isn't fucking normal.I need a hug. I need to hear that it's gonna be ok. I need my friends. But I can't fucking call anyone because I lost my fucking voice. Seriously. Today sucks.
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>> I have no control over them and I can't stand it. <<
That is why they call them feelings and not thinkings. (yeah, I know that sounds corny but it is still dead on true)
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