What It Feels Like.

It's similar to when someone dies.

You are so hurt that they left you. So angry that they put you through this pain. So sad that they'll never be a part of your world again. I am on a rollercoaster.

I went to see Beth last night - and that will be a different entry because it was so much fun and I want that to be a happy entry....but anyway - I had a great time...even though I'm sick as hell. I'm home now...and I'm alone...And that's when all these thoughts start swirling around.

I guess if you've never been through a divorce you can't really understand. Breaking up with Brian was really hard on me and I thought that would be the hardest thing I'd ever do. A breakup and a divorce - two different things and now I realize that.

Nothing in me wants him back - nothing. I just go from being filled with rage that he would be so hateful to do this to me - to being so sad that my marriage ended. And then I'm feeling sorry for him for being raised by such a douchebag, because that's part of his fucking problem.I feel so out of control right now. My emotions are all over the place. I have no control over them and I can't stand it.

Something else about this that I don't understand...is that it just hits me like a ton of bricks and I never see it coming. I can be in a great mood and then it just hits me and I'm overwhelmed with grief. Just 20 minutes ago I was making hot tea and I remembered that once when Luke made me mad over something stupid he went to the Asian grocery store for me and bought me my favorite green tea. So I was making my tea and I just stood there and sobbed. I couldn't stop. I laid on my kitchen floor and sobbed. Who fucking does that???? It's literally like physical pain.This isn't fucking normal.I need a hug. I need to hear that it's gonna be ok. I need my friends. But I can't fucking call anyone because I lost my fucking voice. Seriously. Today sucks.

Alone.

This weekend I found myself constantly feeling like I needed to be around someone. A friend...family..a stranger at the damn grocery store. I don't know what it is, I guess I'm lonely in a way. It's weird because once I have someone around, I want them to leave so I can be alone. Fucking bizarre. I don't know what my deal is. But now, it's Sunday night and the kids are asleep. Now I feel extremely lonely.

I know that tomorrow is the start of a new week...I'll get up...go to work...come home...and be alone every night after the kids go to bed. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely thrilled that Luke is gone and the worst bout of loneliness wouldn't make me want him back. I'm just not used to being alone.











I had a great time with my kids this weekend but when they're sleeping it's just so quiet here. I don't have any desire to watch tv. I cleaned a little but I got a little ADD with that and got bored. I drove to St. Louis on Saturday to go to Aeriana's soccer game and out to lunch for my mom's 49th birthday. That was good. Kept my mind off of things.

I know that everything I'm feeling is probably very normal when you are going through a divorce. But ultimately I've never been through this and I had no idea what to expect.


I guess all I can do is take a deep breath and tell myself....This too shall pass.

The End.

I've been giving myself pep talks for over a week. I knew that filing for divorce was going to be tough. I knew that I had to get over my fear my what my husband might do, but I didn't know how. I hardly slept last night. I must have fell asleep around 2 am and I woke up at 5:30 to him rubbing all over me. It disgusted me and it took everything in me not to throw up. Normally, I would give in just for the sake of avoiding a fight. I would lay there and basically let him do what he wanted with me and cry until it was over. Today I decided, I wasn't going to give him that pleasure.

I told him to get off of me and I got up and took a shower. I don't know how I don't have third degree burns...I had the water as hot as I could and I cried the whole 10 minutes I was in the shower. I guess I was subconsciously trying to rid myself of his fingerprints. I knew that today was the day he would have to leave our house. I knew that today was the last time he would be able to humiliate me like that. He will never be able to take my pride from me again.

I got myself ready for work while he went and did his "business" in the bathroom. I wanted to vomit the whole time. Me and the kids walked out the door in which he followed to tell the kids goodbye and tell me, "I love you." I said, "I love you too" and it made me sick. I do love him, but I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with the man I married and that is not who he is now.

He thought I went to work. Really I took the kids to the baby sitter's house like usual, and I went straight to my attorney's office. As I sat there filling out tons of paperwork and giving them all of this personal information, I couldn't help but wonder why. Why did it turn out this way? Why did he do this to me? Why do I choose men like this? Why did I do this to my kids? There are so many questions, and not a single answer.

After the attorney's office, I had to go over the courthouse to get an ex parte(restraining order). I filled out more paperwork and was then told that the judge actually wanted to speak with me. That rarely happens. They usually just sign it and don't talk to you until the court date. I went into his office and nearly fainted because I was so nervous. The judge didn't say a single word for what seemed like forever but in reality it was only a minute or two. He was staring at me and he finally said, "I'm going to sign this order of protection. I'm giving you temporary custody of your son. He doesn't get any visitation. I can see in your eyes that you are terrified of this man." He signed it and sent me on my way. That was all that was said in that office...well except for me telling him, "Thank you your honor. I appreciate this more than words can say."

Once the order was signed I had to go back to St. Clair. The courthouse is in the next town over (Union). But a St. Clair police officer had to accompany the Franklin County Sherriff to serve him with the papers since we live there. I met them at the police station and they said, "We'll be back in a few to let you know he's out of the house." They called it a "kick out". The term was thrown around so loosely like it's no big deal. My stomach was in knots while I waited for them to get back.

Once they said it was ok to go home, I picked up Robert and brought him with me because I was still scared. He changed the locks for me and I sat in the living room floor and cried. It's so hard...I know I need to be away from him. I don't want to be with him. But I'm mourning the ending of my marriage. It's like losing a loved one to a bad car accident.

He hasn't tried to contact me that I know of. Of course I've had several unknown calls on my cell that I am betting are him, but I can't prove it. His dad stopped by to pick up Allen's clothes and toys. That was hard. I am not even ready to write about that. Luke picked Allen up from Rosann's. I got there about an hour before he did so I got a chance to say goodbye. I took Allen outside and just hugged him for a long time. I can't do this...nevermind. I'm just not ready to write about that.

Anyway - I cheated tonight and took the kids to McDonald's. I bought myself a meal but couldn't eat it. I talked to Katelyn and explained to her that Luke and Allen are gonna go live somewhere else now. I explained that sometimes things just don't work out and this is what's best for all of us. She responded with, "Are you breaking up with him mommy?!" I sat there stunned and finally just said, "Yes that's pretty much what is happening." I explained that she'll get to play with Allen at Rosann's as long as Luke keeps taking him there. She didn't honestly seem to affected...but give it a week or two. She'll have tons of questions.

I am beyond exhausted. My eyes hurt from crying. My heart feels heavy tonight.

Another Step.

Tomorrow I will give my attorney $1500 to change my life.

I am relieved but terrified.

This is a feeling I've never experienced and I'm not quite sure how to explain it.

Freedom is such a precious thing...and I'm ready to get that back.

Looking Up.

Things are about to change for the better.

My parents are going to pay for the attorney so I can file for divorce. Finances were the only thing holding me back. They are also going to loan me the money for first month's rent and a deposit on an apartment in St. Louis. I need to move back home. Being an hour and a half away from work and my family is too much. I need to cut down the commute and be near the people who love and care about me.

Things are looking up and I am so grateful for that.

Support.

I think I finally have full support from my parents when it comes to the divorce. I think my mom's concern was about how I would afford my own place. How I would afford the bills alone. How would I deal with the kids alone?

Well...I already pay 95% of the bills without help from him. What he pays is so little that it's not going to affect me. Dealing with the kids? Well, right now I have 3 kids...two of my own and one stepchild. I deal with them ALONE now. When we officially are apart I'll only have my two and to be completely honest, Allen is like having 4 kids at one time so I'll be just fine. Katelyn has her moments but she's a pretty easy kid. Cole is always getting into things, but what 15 month old isn't?? I've already been through this stage with two other children. I'm much more laidback with him because I know in time it will pass.

Will I be lonely? Maybe. But I've made a vow to myself. I'm going to be completely single for at least one full year after my divorce is final. No dates. No sex. No men. Period. Sounds easy right? Well it's not. But that's ok, I'll be fine. I want to do this. I want to be alone and really figure out what I want out of a relationship...and if I ever really want one again.

I'm going to be ok. I have faith. I have my kids. I have my family & friends. I've got God.

I don't need a man. I don't need the drama/problems. I have my babies...and that's all I need :)

Thoughts.

Divorce is such a hard thing to grasp. I know I'm having a really hard time with it at least. I'm currently reading a book called "Mom's House, Dad's House". The name of the author has escaped me and the book is at home. Anyway - it gives suggestions on better ways to deal with divorce and kids bouncing back and forth between two homes. It made me really sad. I should be used to this considering that Katelyn has been going between my house and Brian's house for 3 years. But now I have to do it again, with another man, another child. I feel like a failure as a mother and a wife.

I know that it's not entirely my fault that our marriage is ending. After all, he is the one that strayed and that is what started this mess I call my marriage. It's still just really sad for me. At one point in time, I was deeply in love with Luke. I was thankful to have him in my life. Things changed. He changed. And the hard part is that now he's really trying to be the husband I deserve and I want no part of it.

*sigh*