Alone.

This weekend I found myself constantly feeling like I needed to be around someone. A friend...family..a stranger at the damn grocery store. I don't know what it is, I guess I'm lonely in a way. It's weird because once I have someone around, I want them to leave so I can be alone. Fucking bizarre. I don't know what my deal is. But now, it's Sunday night and the kids are asleep. Now I feel extremely lonely.

I know that tomorrow is the start of a new week...I'll get up...go to work...come home...and be alone every night after the kids go to bed. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely thrilled that Luke is gone and the worst bout of loneliness wouldn't make me want him back. I'm just not used to being alone.











I had a great time with my kids this weekend but when they're sleeping it's just so quiet here. I don't have any desire to watch tv. I cleaned a little but I got a little ADD with that and got bored. I drove to St. Louis on Saturday to go to Aeriana's soccer game and out to lunch for my mom's 49th birthday. That was good. Kept my mind off of things.

I know that everything I'm feeling is probably very normal when you are going through a divorce. But ultimately I've never been through this and I had no idea what to expect.


I guess all I can do is take a deep breath and tell myself....This too shall pass.

Intelligence.

I just came from Katelyn's parent teacher conference. Yes, they do them for preschool. I mainly wanted to sign up for one just to make sure she's doing ok with all that's going on at home. She goes to a strict private Catholic school. The teachers are wonderful but they mean business. Anyway - the conference was good.

She started with, "I'm going to be brutally honest..."

Insert MAJOR freak out on my part. I was expecting the worst.

Then she smiled and said, "She is such a joy to have in class and if she wasn't here, the class would fall apart!"

She expressed to me her concern that she is going to be bored in school because she is so far ahead of the other kids. Her writing is past Kindergarten level. She can read lots of words. She knows the days of the week and announces what the date is every day to the class before the teacher gets a chance to. LOL.

She's very social and her classmates all fight over who gets to play with her. LMAO. NOT the same at home.

There is so much more...but I don't have time to write it all out.

Of course, I am incredibly proud that my 4 year old is such a big girl. But at the same time, I'm scared for her. Being super smart isn't always easy in school. I don't want her to be bored. I don't want her to hate school. She reminds me so much of my brother and he absolutely hate school after Kindergarten. He was bored to tears because he was just so far beyond his classmates.

It's frightening to me. It really is.

Support.

I think I finally have full support from my parents when it comes to the divorce. I think my mom's concern was about how I would afford my own place. How I would afford the bills alone. How would I deal with the kids alone?

Well...I already pay 95% of the bills without help from him. What he pays is so little that it's not going to affect me. Dealing with the kids? Well, right now I have 3 kids...two of my own and one stepchild. I deal with them ALONE now. When we officially are apart I'll only have my two and to be completely honest, Allen is like having 4 kids at one time so I'll be just fine. Katelyn has her moments but she's a pretty easy kid. Cole is always getting into things, but what 15 month old isn't?? I've already been through this stage with two other children. I'm much more laidback with him because I know in time it will pass.

Will I be lonely? Maybe. But I've made a vow to myself. I'm going to be completely single for at least one full year after my divorce is final. No dates. No sex. No men. Period. Sounds easy right? Well it's not. But that's ok, I'll be fine. I want to do this. I want to be alone and really figure out what I want out of a relationship...and if I ever really want one again.

I'm going to be ok. I have faith. I have my kids. I have my family & friends. I've got God.

I don't need a man. I don't need the drama/problems. I have my babies...and that's all I need :)

Katelyn...On God.

Last night after trick or treating an interesting conversation happened in my car....

Katelyn: Mommy, where is god?
Me: Well, he's way up in the sky, in heaven.
Katelyn: What's he doing up there?
Me: He's watching over all the people in the world.
Katelyn: Why?
Me: Because that's his job.
Katelyn: God has a job? Isn't he a little busy to have a job?

Me: Well, he is a pretty busy guy with lots of jobs.
Katelyn: Was he watching over our Robert when he had his crash? Is that why Robert is ok?

Me: Yes baby. God decided that he wasn't ready for Robert to come up to heaven. He decided to let us keep him a little while longer.
Katelyn: Wow. God is super cool like you mom. But I still think you are way better.


We talk about God a lot and I'm glad that she asks questions. But, that was really tough for me, because she's just so young to be asking questions like that. It's interesting how perceptive kids are. Happy November everyone.

That Thing Called Parenting.

Yesterday I sat in Katelyn's preschool classroom next to her dad. We watched her with her classmates and listened to them sing Halloween songs. We got along. We were both smiling from ear to ear because we're both so proud of our little girl. It was an experience that I thought would be awkward. In fact, I didn't even know if he would show up. And I feared that if he did, it would be hostile. Obviously I knew we would have both kept our composure at the school but I knew that if there was tension, others might notice it. Luckily, that didn't happen. We got along just fine. I was able to look past everything that has happened. I don't know, but maybe it's a sign that I'm ready to forgive him.

Anyway - the look on Katelyn's face when she saw us sitting next to eachother...it was priceless. She kept looking at me and then looking at him and then back to me. She was smiling so big. She ran up to us and didn't know who to hug first. She told her teacher like 14 times that her mommy and her daddy both came to see her Halloween performance. It was really cool.

I know that I complain about Brian a lot...and I have a right to. But I will say this, he does love his daughter. He just doesn't have his life on the right track. He doesn't know whether he's coming or going. He doesn't know how to prioritize. While some people may say that it's parental instinct to do that, I don't think that's true. I really think that some people aren't meant to be parents but things happen and they become parents. I think people can change. I think people like Brian have the opportunity to be good parents. It's a matter of choice. I don't know if he'll ever be the dad that Katelyn deserves. But he's her dad. She loves him. And he loves her. That's all that matters to me at this point.

I am by no means a perfect parent. There are plenty of things I can and will improve about my parenting. It's a learning process and we all make mistakes along the way. But I know this...Katelyn knows that she is loved. By me and by Brian. She has tons of positive influences around her to hopefully counteract the irresponsible choices her dad makes. She's going to be just fine. And maybe one day her dad will get this whole parenting thing and make the changes in his life to be a good parent all the time and not just every now and then. I chalk it up to immaturity and the way he was raised. It's not entirely his fault, but it's time for him to be an adult and take responsibility for his actions.

He's changed a lot in the last few years for the better but he's got a long way to go. It was just really nice that he showed up yesterday. He's not my favorite person, but he's one of Katelyn's favorite people.

Tattoo Help.

I have really crappy artistic ability so I need some help from my friends/readers/lurkers :)

I have a tattoo accross my lower back that says my daughter's name (Katelyn) with stars and such in purple, yellow, red, and blue. I also want to put my son Cole's name on my back but this time around I'm not going for that large of a tattoo. It's a good pain, but this momma can't sit still for that damn long anymore. LOL. I'm wanting to get something in between my shoulder blades that way I can cover it when I'm at work.

I am hoping that one of you has some sort of artistic ability and the time to draw something up for me. I don't want to go in a tattoo shop and have them draw it up because it will look just like 8776565 people's tattoos. That's why I'm asking you guys!!

Help me out!

DeadBeat Dads, Eczema, & Beer on the Beach.

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head that I want to talk about...but I'm just not ready and not feeling up to it. I leave for Tampa tomorrow morning and I have SO much left to do before I leave. I can hardly concentrate today. Luckily after I'm done with this I get to go visit clients and I won't be sitting behind a desk left to think. ; )

Katelyn had school today and amazingly Brian arrived on time when school let out to pick her up. Points for that. Nevermind, he's so negative in points, a few wouldn't help him anyway. LOL. She'll be spending the weekend with him and his new girlfriend. Not sure if I mentioned her and her fake pregnancy and all the bullshit that goes along with that. I'll explain later. Anyway - her name is Chrissie and I've known her for years. She is NOT someone I really want around my daughter. She has a 5 year old that she's never with. Her daughter is basically being raised by her mom. It's retarded. Anyway - yesterday on the way home, Katelyn was talking to her dad on the phone and I hear her say, "When are we moving in with Chrissie, daddy?" I'm all WTF?! They've been dating 2 weeks. My daughter already KNOWS they are moving in together. Does he have a brain? Nope.

Anyway - I didn't say shit to him until after Kate went to bed. I called him back to make sure he could pick her up from school and he's all, "Yeah did you hear I'm moving in with Chrissie." I let him have it. Normally I don't say a word. It doesn't do any good. He's a fucking moron and you can't make him give a shit about Katelyn's wellbeing. But I had it. I told him how worthless he is. i told him it's bullshit that he can afford to live in a $1500 a month apartment but he can't pay his fucking child support for a whole god damn year. I made him feel about this big. He gave me some dumb excuse and I told him to go fuck himself and promptly hung up. Immature? Sure. Do I care? Nope. he deserved every bit of the ass chewing he got and he knows it. Excuse my trailer trash mouth today.

Anyway - so Katelyn also told me yesterday that she wants to live with her daddy and Chrissie. Well..I'll admit it was gut wrenching to hear. But - I realize that she's 4 and she's probably changed her mind by today. I tried so hard to fight the tears when she said that because I didn't want her to see me upset but no matter how hard I tried...they just keep rolling down my cheeks. She didn't notice because she was busy singing Honky Tonk Badonkadonk in the backseat ;) But it really did get to me. Robert reminded me that daddy doesn't pay child support so he can take her and do "fun" things that I can't afford. Daddy has all the time in the world to spend with her because he only has her on weekends. Daddy has no rules and no bedtimes. Daddy doesn't care if she eats junk food all weekend. Of course that is the more attractive option. I know all this, but it still cut me like a butcher knife.

I try not to let it get to me. It's just so frustrating. For the last 4 years, 2 months, and 8 days...it's been ME. I've been caring for her. I've been providing for her. I've been there every day to tell her I love her. Not him. But somehow the deadbeat dad always comes out the hero. Gah. Whatever.

Moving on.

Cole's eczema is god awful right now. He has scabs all over...head to toe from scratching. NOTHING provides relief. Believe me, we've tried EVERYthing. We don't use detergent with perfumes or dyes. We use gentle soap or NO soap on him. You name it, we've tried it. I'm starting to think he might have a milk allergy after talking to an allergist yesterday. As of today we're giving him rice milk for 2 weeks to see if it has any effect on it. The kid is miserable. You wouldn't believe just how bad it is unless you see it in person. Chantele has seen it...it's awful. We'll see how the rice milk goes. He loves the taste of it :)

Well...I have a ton to do and people to see. LOL. The boys will be with Rosann this weekend and I'll be in Tampa!! Drinking beer on the beach! WOOT! I'll update on Monday. Have a lovely weekend and be VERY jealous!! LOL