People Say It's Only In My Head....

I have this urge to really write - to be really honest about how I feel right now. But for some reason everytime I come here, I can't get it out. Several people have asked me if I'm ok. I don't know how to respond to that. I have many many things to be happy about but there is also sadness in my life right now.

Robert said to me yesterday, "Normally you are so bubbly and upbeat. That's why we became friends. You love life and it's contagious." He's right. Normally I am the life of the party. I'm always doing something. I love to be busy and I love to be around people. Lately, not so much. I have no desire to do anything...and that's not good. I need to get back to my normal self. I need to take my kids to the park and play outside. I need to let Katelyn help me cook dinner instead of rushing through it so I can just sit and think. It's not fair to my kids.

I know that everyone pictures me laying on my couch bawling my eyes out, but I haven't really cried much. It's just a weird feeling I've been having. It makes sense in my head and I wish I could type it out so it would make sense to others...but I guess that doesn't really matter. This is for me, right?

Starting today I'm going to make an honest effort to smile. I'm going to make an honest effort to get myself back and drag myself out of this depression I'm falling into.

Although I've been dealt a bad hand, life has been good to me. I am blessed to have 2 beautiful kids that need me more than I need to mope.

Katelyn...On God.

Last night after trick or treating an interesting conversation happened in my car....

Katelyn: Mommy, where is god?
Me: Well, he's way up in the sky, in heaven.
Katelyn: What's he doing up there?
Me: He's watching over all the people in the world.
Katelyn: Why?
Me: Because that's his job.
Katelyn: God has a job? Isn't he a little busy to have a job?

Me: Well, he is a pretty busy guy with lots of jobs.
Katelyn: Was he watching over our Robert when he had his crash? Is that why Robert is ok?

Me: Yes baby. God decided that he wasn't ready for Robert to come up to heaven. He decided to let us keep him a little while longer.
Katelyn: Wow. God is super cool like you mom. But I still think you are way better.


We talk about God a lot and I'm glad that she asks questions. But, that was really tough for me, because she's just so young to be asking questions like that. It's interesting how perceptive kids are. Happy November everyone.