Hanging in There.

I have a few minutes so I thought I would update. First I want to apologize for being a really shitty noter. I haven't even read 95% of your entries because I literally get about 5-10 minutes on OD every day or two. I am busy as hell at work and don't have the internet at home. So - don't take me off your faves. I'll be back to noting and writing soon enough. I actually really miss reading my faves :(
Work is busy! I love it though. A lot of you said you wanted to know what I'm doing at my new job. I work for an office supply/furniture distributor. We sell nationwide but corporate headquarters are here in St. Louis and we have another office/warehouse in Kansas City. They hired me to work on the business development team. I'm on what they call a "FastTrack" to outside sales. I have never worked in outside sales so they didn't want to just throw me out there. So I'm working mostly in the office right now. the first week I worked with customer service and that was a piece of cake because I did this for 4 years at Office Solutions. This week I'm in sales training. The first 6 months will be a lot of training and making cold calls from the office...trying to get appointments for our sales people. It's not fun...but it's AWESOME practice for when I'm on my own. I don't have a quota...they've never had one specific person doing this so if we get ZERO appointments it's no big deal. It's more for my benefit than anything.
Yesterday I had to sit in the conference room with my boss and our top sales guy....and I had to make cold calls with them observing. Talk about a scary experience! I've never had to do that, let alone in front of someone!! BUT - I got 100%. They graded me just so I knew where I stood. I am SO thrilled that I did a good job. I'm pretty proud of myself.
Anyway - I have literally NO time to even breathe because they constantly have me doing something. And I love it!
Well I have to go to a meeting...just wanted to stop in and say that I really miss you guys! And for those of you who left notes that you were worried about me - I'm ok. Really, I am. That could change in an hour or a day or a week... but right now I'm fine. Thanks for caring :)

I Hate Men.

I know it has taken me forever to update but life has been hectic. I'm going to start a few weeks back. Do me a favor, if you don't agree with my decisions that's fine...just try to have some tact. I've heard enough shit from my family and friends about how stupid I am and I don't know how much more I can take.

We'll start with how I got Cole back. Luke took him on Friday (aug 24th). On that following Sunday I came home from St. Louis and found a note on my coffee table begging me to take him back. I figured that since he changed his tune I might be able to just be nice to him and convince him to drop the restraining order against me. After all, everything he put on there were lies. I texted him to please let me see my son. He called me back right away and told me I could come out to his dad's house to see him. He voided the restraining order he had against me when he called me so I wasn't worried about him calling the cops on me or anything like that. We talked for 2 hours. I told him I am not in love with him anymore. I begged him to let me take Cole with me and he was not agreeable. he basically told me that if I didn't let him move back in that he was going to run out of the state with Cole and I'd never find him. Now...I realize that I can go to court and try to get Cole back. BUT - I had been without my son for 3 days and that was too long. I was a wreck that weekend. I've never felt so depressed and sad.

So I did what I had to do. I let him move back in that following weekend. I got my son back. That's all that mattered. I hated the fact that he was living in my house. But I had to be with my son and at that point that was the only way. I had some lovely friends who helped me get my rent paid but I still had bills that I couldn't pay for and we had almost NO food. Luke had enough money to get some groceries and pay some of the bills. Our electric stayed on and we were able to feed the kids. He went back to being nice to me and helping me around the house. Secretly I was just waiting to start my new job so I could toss his ass out and have all the legal stuff underway. Unfortunately I have started my new job but I don't get my first paycheck until the 30th. And it's not enough to cover everything. So I have to let him stay until October's rent and bills get taken care of. Otherwise I will lose my house and I don't know what I will do then. I've been trying to just be nice but it's really hard to even talk to him because at this point I can't stand his presence.

He's been hounding me about having sex. I never want to. Obviously! Anyway - I've only had sex with him twice just so he would leave me alone and every time I felt so dirty...and I hated every second of it. I felt like I had to. On Tuesday night of this week things got really bad. Luke was annoying the shit out of me but I put on my happy face and pretended that life was grand. He went to bed at 9. I wasn't ready to go to sleep so I played on the internet for a little bit. I went to bed at 10 and he begged me for sex. I told him I was going to sleep and he flipped out. he got up and stood next to the bed and proceeded to jack off facing me and our bed. I was disgusted so I grabbed a pillow and a blanket and tried to get out to the living room. He stopped me at the bedroom door and pushed me down on the floor. I got back up and tried to get past him to go into the living room and he threw me against the wall. As soon as I stood up he pushed me down again. Finally I threatened to call the police and he stopped. I couldn't call the police anyway. They had to come out the day he took Cole and they said if they came out again they would call DFS because we can't stop fighting in front of our kids. I know that DFS has no reasn to take my kids from me but I'm not taking any chances when it comes to my kids. Eventually he let me go to sleep. Last night he left me alone thank god.

The problem is that my lawyer can't move things along any faster than he already is. Luke has already let me know that if I kick him out he will take Cole and he will make sure I never see him again. He is manipulating the situation and if I do one thing that pisses him off too much he'll take Cole and be gone. It's not as easy as it seems. I can't just leave. I just started a new job and I can't afford to miss a day this early on. I need to get a restraining order but I'm going to have to let my lawyer handle it because I cannot ask off in my first week here. He's causing me a lot of stress and it's ridiculous.

He pretty much has control of everything right now. Anyway - I'm ok. I'm just not sure what is going to happen. All I know is that if I have to live like this a little longer, it will be worth it to not have him run off with Cole. It's a shitty situation. He's got issues that are deeper than I ever knew.

Anyway - my job is wonderful. The kids are fine. And if you were wondering they didn't even wake up through the whole ordeal the other night. Thank God. I'll get through this. I've been through much worse.

** I forgot to mention that I went to court last Friday for the restraining order and the judge dropped it. Luke didn't even show for court. I have some down time right now so I'm sitting in my office trying to find a bank that will approve me for a loan for $1500 - $2000 so I can pay the bills and get groceries without him. If I can get that I can kick him out. Rosann said she'd keep Cole for me and Luke doesn't know where she lives or even her last name. Then I can keep him safe and still see him every day.

**I can't get a loan :( I cleared up all my credit card debt almost 2 years ago but it's still affecting my credit score. No one will give me a loan. I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up.

Life Changes.

My life has changed so much in the last 7 years...change usually isn't a big deal to me. I've learned to roll with it and take it day by day. Once again my life is changing in big ways and I am finding myself really scared. I shouldn't be scared. These are good changes. But it's terrifying at the same time because I finally feel like I'm making the right decisions. I'm confident in the choices I'm making and I think that's a first for me.

Getting divorced is obviously the most major of all. I'm just in the beginning of it so I have no idea what lies ahead of me. I'm sure it's not going to be easy and I know that it's not going to be amicable all the way through. This is going to be good for me. Luke and I are in different places in our lives. I want so much more out of life. He just wants to stay where he's at...I don't want to lower my standards in life to be with a man who doesn't care. I want my children to grow up to be intelligent, loving, and successful individuals. Staying with him will not let me accomplish raising my kids the way I want to.

My new job...this is just the first time I'll have a job that I can make into a career. I was going nowhere fast with French and this is the perfect opportunity to get myself out there. Plus $20,000 more a year isn't too shabby! That will allow me to take care of myself and the kids by myself.

I've been working out again and walking 5 nights a week. I'm trying to eat better (working on this one!). I'm cooking more instead of going out. I was forced to when funds got tight. It's been a really good thing for me and the kids.

I'm going to really try to quit smoking. The Chantix is helping. I'm smoking about half as much as before. You are supposed to start it one week before you intend to quit. I started it Friday and I'm noticing that I don't even think about smoking near as much. Today, I didn't have my first ciggarette until noon! That's a record for me!

There are so many things I want to do in life...and these are the changes I'm making right now. There will be more to come but I don't want to overwhelm myself too much.

This has been really tough...all these changes. But I keep reminding myself that this is better for me and the kids...

Katelyn & Cole will get me through this...I know they will.

When it's raining outside..

You have to improvise : )


I washed diapers yesterday but it was POURING outside. So I rigged a line inside. LOL

Pictures from the redneck wedding coming later. I promise!

Down on The Farm.

I have a long entry to write about all the things I'm doing to change my life...to make it better. But I simply don't have the time to sit and write it all out right now.

I've been busy cleaning today since I'm finally feeling better. Pneumonia SUCKS! I hope I never get it again. Anyway - I have a wedding to go to today. Most of you know that the town I live in is not where I grew up. I grew up in a big city (St. Louis) and I live in a small SMALL town called St. Clair. People here are...well...a little backwards. Not all of them, but most. Anyway - I'm going to a true redneck wedding today. I'm imagining it should be sorta like that picture I just found. It's a "western theme" and the invitation said "western attire or casual. BYOB!" LMAO. Should be interesting. I'll be sure to take tons of pictures for ya'll to laugh at!

Anyway - hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend ;)

Chantix.

I'm taking Chantix to quit smoking. I've heard plenty of different reviews on it that greatly vary. Our family doctor is very much into homeopathic remedies and isn't much into giving out antibiotics and such. However, she strongly recommended I take this to quit smoking. I asked her about it yesterday and she all but begged me to try it. Today is the first day. I've only had a couple of cigarettes and normally by now I would've smoked a half of a pack. I don't feel any side effects yet and I don't feel strong cravings for a smoke. Weird.

I swear, if one more person tells me it's stupid and it won't help, I'm gonna slap them.

Anyway - wish me luck. I really want to do this.

On Co-Parenting.

I often wonder if it's really possible to "co-parent". Brian and I have been split up for most of Katelyn's 4 years on this earth. I've always been the responsible parent. The one that takes care of everything financially for her. The one that takes her to the doctor and cares for her when she's sick. I obviously wouldn't have it any other way. However, when he has her - I want him to be responsible. I want him to be a good parent and care for her like I do. I realize that is not going to happen but if he could at least use common sense it wouldn't be so damn hard.

He had to work on Tuesday so he couldn't come to her first day at school. This morning I had to meet him at the school and he walked in with me and Katelyn. I had to show him where her class was and where to pick her up. He didn't even want to meet the teacher. I introduced him to her and he hardly said a word. He didn't ask any questions. He was ready to go. I realize he probably knows that I have it under control but if I was in his shoes I'd still want to ask questions...and actually get to know the woman that would be teaching my child!

I told him at least 10 times that school lets out at 11 and he needed to be there on time to pick her up. He called me at 11:05 and said, "I should be there at 11:30, right?" I panicked. He hadn't even left his house yet! Luckily, the school has a daycare and any kids that aren't picked up go over to the daycare until their parents get there. BUT - I told Katelyn daddy would pick her up right after school. AND - I didn't pack a lunch because she wasn't staying all day. And I didn't send money because I didn't think she'd be there for lunch!

So he gets there and she's eating lunch with the daycare kids. They let her eat free today. Thank GOD! But I feel like an ASS because I didn't send a lunch or money and they probably think I'm an idiot!

Brian just doesn't get it. He's so irresponsible. I don't think he even has that parental instinct you should have as a parent.

*sigh*

She's Not A Baby Anymore...

Today was so emotional for me. Katelyn was so excited on the way to school.
Once we got there she was a little shy.




She clung to my leg for a few minutes but once Gwen got there she was ok. Gwen's mom is Ashley - a friend of mine that I went to preschool with!!! It's so awesome that our girls are now in the same class just like we were. I love it! Anyway - once Gwen got there she was off and running and yelled, "See ya mom! Love ya!!"

Kate is on the right..Gwen is in the blue on the left.

I held in the tears until I got to my car. Then I was a bawling mess!! It was a mixture of emotions. I was so excited for Katelyn because I know this will be wonderful for her. But I was also overwhelmed with feelings of sadness because my baby is growing up. Me and Kate have been through a lot together in the last 4 years and I am so damn proud of her...I just can't explain it.

When I picked her up she was SO excited to see me and tell me all about it. Again, it brought tears to my eyes.

Life.

This picture was taken when we went to Kate's school for orientation : )

Tomorrow is going to be tough for me. Katelyn starts preschool.

I am thrilled for her. She is going to love every minute of it. But I'm also sad to see her growing up. I keep thinking of her as a newborn. I was 21 - but now that I look back me and Brian seemed SO young then. We really didn't have a clue. I have to say we did a pretty good job...or well, I did. She has grown into an independent and intelligent four year old. I'm just not ready for her to be so independent. I know she'll be one of the kids at preschool that yells, "See ya later mom!" and off she'll go. I'll secretly be wishing she were one of the kids that clings to their mother's leg and doesn't want her to leave. ; )

I know she'll do great. She's one smart cookie. It's just bittersweet to watch your kids grow up. I'm excited for tomorrow because I can't wait to see how much she loves it. But I'm also dreading it because I know I'll be in tears!

Fresh.

Everyone seems to be making their way over here...so I thought I would give it a try. I really love OD but I want to be able to read some of my favorite people that have moved over here. I'll try and cross-post but I'm not sure how long I'll do that before I get annoyed.

Happy Monday : )