That Thing Called Parenting.

Yesterday I sat in Katelyn's preschool classroom next to her dad. We watched her with her classmates and listened to them sing Halloween songs. We got along. We were both smiling from ear to ear because we're both so proud of our little girl. It was an experience that I thought would be awkward. In fact, I didn't even know if he would show up. And I feared that if he did, it would be hostile. Obviously I knew we would have both kept our composure at the school but I knew that if there was tension, others might notice it. Luckily, that didn't happen. We got along just fine. I was able to look past everything that has happened. I don't know, but maybe it's a sign that I'm ready to forgive him.

Anyway - the look on Katelyn's face when she saw us sitting next to eachother...it was priceless. She kept looking at me and then looking at him and then back to me. She was smiling so big. She ran up to us and didn't know who to hug first. She told her teacher like 14 times that her mommy and her daddy both came to see her Halloween performance. It was really cool.

I know that I complain about Brian a lot...and I have a right to. But I will say this, he does love his daughter. He just doesn't have his life on the right track. He doesn't know whether he's coming or going. He doesn't know how to prioritize. While some people may say that it's parental instinct to do that, I don't think that's true. I really think that some people aren't meant to be parents but things happen and they become parents. I think people can change. I think people like Brian have the opportunity to be good parents. It's a matter of choice. I don't know if he'll ever be the dad that Katelyn deserves. But he's her dad. She loves him. And he loves her. That's all that matters to me at this point.

I am by no means a perfect parent. There are plenty of things I can and will improve about my parenting. It's a learning process and we all make mistakes along the way. But I know this...Katelyn knows that she is loved. By me and by Brian. She has tons of positive influences around her to hopefully counteract the irresponsible choices her dad makes. She's going to be just fine. And maybe one day her dad will get this whole parenting thing and make the changes in his life to be a good parent all the time and not just every now and then. I chalk it up to immaturity and the way he was raised. It's not entirely his fault, but it's time for him to be an adult and take responsibility for his actions.

He's changed a lot in the last few years for the better but he's got a long way to go. It was just really nice that he showed up yesterday. He's not my favorite person, but he's one of Katelyn's favorite people.

Thoughts.

Divorce is such a hard thing to grasp. I know I'm having a really hard time with it at least. I'm currently reading a book called "Mom's House, Dad's House". The name of the author has escaped me and the book is at home. Anyway - it gives suggestions on better ways to deal with divorce and kids bouncing back and forth between two homes. It made me really sad. I should be used to this considering that Katelyn has been going between my house and Brian's house for 3 years. But now I have to do it again, with another man, another child. I feel like a failure as a mother and a wife.

I know that it's not entirely my fault that our marriage is ending. After all, he is the one that strayed and that is what started this mess I call my marriage. It's still just really sad for me. At one point in time, I was deeply in love with Luke. I was thankful to have him in my life. Things changed. He changed. And the hard part is that now he's really trying to be the husband I deserve and I want no part of it.

*sigh*

A List.

Lately life has been a rollercoaster and I haven't been feeling very positive. I'm really trying to make an effort to be positive about everything in my life, no matter how bad it is. Feeling shitty and getting upset do me NO good at all. So...here are the things that make me happy, things that make me smile, things I adore : )

• My kids
• My family
• My friends
• Long bubble baths
• Pedicures
• Watching the sunset (cheesy, I know!!)
• Intellectual conversation
• Reading a good book
• Crying happy tears
• Painting Katelyn's nails
• Watching my babies sleeping
• The way Cole says "mama"
• Watching Allen paint
• Hearing Katelyn sing
• knowing that my mom is proud of me
• Cleaning my house
• clean sheets
• leaving the windows open
• Wearing sweatpants on a cold day
• hugs
• Talking on the phone
• Sleeping past 7 am
• hot tea with honey
• summer
• Sitting on the beach with my toes in the sand.
• Reading books to my kids.
• The smell of clean laundry
• Cooking a big dinner
• Laughing
• Gossiping with Chantele
• Acting stupid/silly with my sister
• Bud Light
• Jaegerbombs!!(sp?)
• Shopping at Target
• Shopping at Goodwill
• Looking at old pictures
• Remembering my Grandma's voice (so hard to do anymore!)
• Talking to my mom on the phone after work
• Emailing my mom/sister/Sara while I'm at work
• Cloth diapers :)
• Tofu
• Microsuede couches
• Hearing about Kate's day at school
• Washing my car
• Big Sunglasses
• Writing in OD
• Listening to music
• Yard Sales
• Holding a newborn baby
• Taking pictures
• Hanging out at the river
• Listening to my kid's laughter.
• Being in love (Ha! ironic huh?)
• Massages
• hot showers
• Buying new jewelry
• Wearing heels
• My favorite jeans
• Tanning
• Taking a nap with my babies :)
• Talking a walk
• Working out

I could go on forever....but I am out of time :)

Movin' On.

I absolutely adore this song. Music is like some sort of weird therapy for me and this song just really helps me.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn'tStopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Tattoo Help.

I have really crappy artistic ability so I need some help from my friends/readers/lurkers :)

I have a tattoo accross my lower back that says my daughter's name (Katelyn) with stars and such in purple, yellow, red, and blue. I also want to put my son Cole's name on my back but this time around I'm not going for that large of a tattoo. It's a good pain, but this momma can't sit still for that damn long anymore. LOL. I'm wanting to get something in between my shoulder blades that way I can cover it when I'm at work.

I am hoping that one of you has some sort of artistic ability and the time to draw something up for me. I don't want to go in a tattoo shop and have them draw it up because it will look just like 8776565 people's tattoos. That's why I'm asking you guys!!

Help me out!

Just A Few...

I don't have the time or patience to upload them all...so you only get a few of them.

St. Pete Beach was AWESOME.

Me and my sis on the water bike.

haha. I don't remember this one.

Me and my cousin hannah.

My sister, drunken brother, and me.

The 3 of us again.

Yours truly, waiting patiently for my massage.

Our hotel, The Grand Plaza.

One.

Heather, Stef, Me

I’m going to give you the condensed version of my trip. So many hilarious moments, so many moments that brought me to tears (happy ones!), so many awesome things that happened. It was a great weekend. I needed to take a break from life and “recharge my battery” so to speak. I’ve been really having a hard time just dealing lately. Everything seems to take such effort and I’m emotionally exhausted every day. This weekend really was good for me. It made me feel better and I was finally able to fall asleep without a care in the world.

On Friday our flight left St. Louis at 9:10. We landed around 12:20 (FL time). We got off the plane, got our luggage and rental car. That was a fiasco in itself. We were supposed to be getting a Navigator and they gave it away. My mom was PISSED. So we drove a Grand Marquis. LMAO. That thing looked like a Grandpa car and we gave my stepdad so much shit about it all weekend. We got to the hotel around 1:30 and we were planning on grabbing something for lunch and then heading to our massage/facial while my stepdad and brother went to the ocean. We tried to check in and the rude lady at the front desk told us our reservation was cancelled. She was a total bitch to my mom and my mom doesn’t play that game. LOL. I thought she was going to come over the counter and slap a bitch. Finally the manager came out and upgraded my parents to a penthouse and gave me, my brother, and sister a suite. It was NNIIIICCCCEEE. I will say, we stayed at one of the more expensive hotels on St. Pete Beach and their customer service was absolutely AWFUL. We my parents were paying almost $300 a night per room and they treated us like SHIT. I will be sending in a complaint at some point this week. By the time we go to our rooms we had no time to eat. We went to the spa and it was LOVELY. The lady that did my massage was great. We chatted about everything. She was shocked that I cloth diaper. She was shocked that I don’t feed my kids a bunch of crap. It was a nice conversation. And the massage and facial…holy shit. Amazing.
After that we just grabbed some McDonald’s and went back to the hotel. We changed into our bathing suits and went down to the bar on the beach. Had some drinks and then the rest of the family showed up. Our friend Heather came and met us there with her boyfriend Robby. We all went to dinner at Spinner’s. Spinner’s was on the top level of the hotel and AMAZING food. I had grilled scallops and they were to DIE for. I’ve never had REAL fresh seafood ever before in my life. OMG. I’ll never want to eat seafood in Missouri again. After that we went down to the beach bar with the whole family. Drinks were flowing, people were dancing…it was a lot of fun. At one point me, my sister, and Heather made our drunken way down to the beach. It was about 10 pm and PITCH black. We pulled up our pants legs and were running around in the sand. Somehow…we got tripped up by a wave and landed ass on the beach covered in salt water. Yeah. It was SO funny. We were soaked and covered in sand but we didn’t care. We walked back to the bar, just like that. Haha.

As we walked up to the bar we noticed these 3 girls standing by my brother. They didn’t look a day over 12 and they were dressed like skanks. My brother was visibly annoyed and giving me and my sister the signal to help him out. Sooo….we did. ; ) My sister walked up and put her arm around my brother and said, “come on honey, let’s go to our room”. Me and all my girl cousins walked up and I said, “I’m his sister. I don’t think he’s interested. Go away.” Christie walked up and said, “I’m his sister too. There are 12 of us. It might be best if you leave him alone.” It was HILARIOUS. One of the girls was hanging all over my brother and she was telling him that she’s in “Psychology School”. Never heard of that. Anyway – she looked over at me and said, “Are you like married in a bar?” with a total airhead tone of voice. I said, “Are you like 15, in a bar?” She told me she was 26 and informed of her driver’s license # which I’m sure she memorized from her fake ID. ; ) She finally left when my mom came over and informed her that she better get her “nasty hands off of her son”. Haha. After they left we ordered 32 shots. Haha. There were a LOT of us there. We took a shot called a Blowjob and somehow my mom ended up with whipped cream all over her mouth. LMAO. My mom doesn’t drink but she sure did that night. It was classic!

The next day we all met for breakfast at the restaurant in the hotel. It was REALLY expensive and VERY tasty : ) We spent the rest of the day at the beach….we rode wave runners, drank a LOT, and we even rode on these weird water bikes. I’ll post a picture tonight because I don’t really know how to describe it. Picture a BIG tricycle with BIG plastic wheels. LMAO. It was neat. Around 4 we headed back to our rooms to shower and get ready for my Uncle Scott’s 40th party. The party was at my cousin Erica’s house right outside of Tampa. Her house is GORGEOUS. We had a great time there. We roasted my uncle and everyone told funny stories and gave him shit about being bald. My stepdad was the most funny…he had an EKG a week ago and when they took those little sticky things off his chest it ripped huge chunks of his chest hair out. He brought them with him and stuck them on my Uncle’s head and called them “hair transplants”. It was SO funny. Gross, but hilarious. We cried, we laughed, we hugged. It was just a really great night. On Sunday we got up and had breakfast. Then we checked out of the hotel (and again they were SO rude to us!). The guys went golfing at MacDill AFB where my Airforce General G-Pa was staying. LOL. Me, my mom, and my sister went shopping and had lunch. Then we went to the base to pick up the guys. The Airforce Base was really cool. I forgot my damn camera so I didn’t get pictures in there. Anyway – we got to the airport around 1:45 and our flight was supposed to leave at 3:10. It didn’t leave until almost 4. It was a full flight so it was a little claustrophobic for me but I survived. We got in to STL and my parents took me over to Rosann’s to get my car and my babies!! I was VERY happy to see them. We went home and I unpacked, did some laundry, and relaxed.

I have SO many pictures to share and I will try my best to do that tonight : )

I'm Back :)

I am so tired today!

We had a blast in Florida. My weekend was filled with white beaches, ocean water, rum runners, drunken dancing, and great times. I love spending time with my family. They are hilarious. I enjoyed having no responsibilities for the weekend but I really missed my babies. I was so happy to see them : ) I get Katelyn back today and I can't wait!! I missed her.

I have tons of hilarious stories to tell about my mom taking a Blowjob shot and me and my sister falling in the ocean fully clothed. ;) Good times. I'll be back later with stories and pictures.

DeadBeat Dads, Eczema, & Beer on the Beach.

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head that I want to talk about...but I'm just not ready and not feeling up to it. I leave for Tampa tomorrow morning and I have SO much left to do before I leave. I can hardly concentrate today. Luckily after I'm done with this I get to go visit clients and I won't be sitting behind a desk left to think. ; )

Katelyn had school today and amazingly Brian arrived on time when school let out to pick her up. Points for that. Nevermind, he's so negative in points, a few wouldn't help him anyway. LOL. She'll be spending the weekend with him and his new girlfriend. Not sure if I mentioned her and her fake pregnancy and all the bullshit that goes along with that. I'll explain later. Anyway - her name is Chrissie and I've known her for years. She is NOT someone I really want around my daughter. She has a 5 year old that she's never with. Her daughter is basically being raised by her mom. It's retarded. Anyway - yesterday on the way home, Katelyn was talking to her dad on the phone and I hear her say, "When are we moving in with Chrissie, daddy?" I'm all WTF?! They've been dating 2 weeks. My daughter already KNOWS they are moving in together. Does he have a brain? Nope.

Anyway - I didn't say shit to him until after Kate went to bed. I called him back to make sure he could pick her up from school and he's all, "Yeah did you hear I'm moving in with Chrissie." I let him have it. Normally I don't say a word. It doesn't do any good. He's a fucking moron and you can't make him give a shit about Katelyn's wellbeing. But I had it. I told him how worthless he is. i told him it's bullshit that he can afford to live in a $1500 a month apartment but he can't pay his fucking child support for a whole god damn year. I made him feel about this big. He gave me some dumb excuse and I told him to go fuck himself and promptly hung up. Immature? Sure. Do I care? Nope. he deserved every bit of the ass chewing he got and he knows it. Excuse my trailer trash mouth today.

Anyway - so Katelyn also told me yesterday that she wants to live with her daddy and Chrissie. Well..I'll admit it was gut wrenching to hear. But - I realize that she's 4 and she's probably changed her mind by today. I tried so hard to fight the tears when she said that because I didn't want her to see me upset but no matter how hard I tried...they just keep rolling down my cheeks. She didn't notice because she was busy singing Honky Tonk Badonkadonk in the backseat ;) But it really did get to me. Robert reminded me that daddy doesn't pay child support so he can take her and do "fun" things that I can't afford. Daddy has all the time in the world to spend with her because he only has her on weekends. Daddy has no rules and no bedtimes. Daddy doesn't care if she eats junk food all weekend. Of course that is the more attractive option. I know all this, but it still cut me like a butcher knife.

I try not to let it get to me. It's just so frustrating. For the last 4 years, 2 months, and 8 days...it's been ME. I've been caring for her. I've been providing for her. I've been there every day to tell her I love her. Not him. But somehow the deadbeat dad always comes out the hero. Gah. Whatever.

Moving on.

Cole's eczema is god awful right now. He has scabs all over...head to toe from scratching. NOTHING provides relief. Believe me, we've tried EVERYthing. We don't use detergent with perfumes or dyes. We use gentle soap or NO soap on him. You name it, we've tried it. I'm starting to think he might have a milk allergy after talking to an allergist yesterday. As of today we're giving him rice milk for 2 weeks to see if it has any effect on it. The kid is miserable. You wouldn't believe just how bad it is unless you see it in person. Chantele has seen it...it's awful. We'll see how the rice milk goes. He loves the taste of it :)

Well...I have a ton to do and people to see. LOL. The boys will be with Rosann this weekend and I'll be in Tampa!! Drinking beer on the beach! WOOT! I'll update on Monday. Have a lovely weekend and be VERY jealous!! LOL

Finding Me.

I mentioned in a previous post that I am reading Eat Pray Love right now. This book has evoked so many emotions in me. It's got a lot of religious references in it but it's really about a woman who is going through a really bad divorce...and she's just trying to find herself. She's trying to find God and it doesn't matter if it's through the Catholic religion or in an Ashram in India. She's just desperate for answers. Anyway - I'm almost finished with this book and it's just really touched my heart.

I've been putting on the brave face and telling everyone I'm ok and I'm not crying myself to sleep at night. That is very untrue. I just hate having anyone worry about me. I am more than ready to forgive Luke for what happened and forgive myself for standing by and watching my marriage fall apart. But it still hurts. It hurts in the very depths of my heart. I don't feel that I am in love with him anymore. But I still love him dearly. He is my husband. And at one point he was an amazing husband. I don't know what happened. I don't know where he veered off the path we were on. I don't know why. I keep searching for answers that aren't there. I'll never really know when/why/how. That's why I am ready to forgive him. I just woke up the other day and realized that all of these questions are just driving me to the brink of insanity and making my life unmanageable.

I'm done asking why. I'm done with all of the questions. Now I just have to get past the fact that I have to let go. I have to walk away with grace, when all I want to do is kick and scream and figure out why God chose this for me. I really and truly wish that I had it in my heart to stick it out with Luke. I wish that I could love him enough to do that. I wish that I could go through with therapy and believe him when he says he wants to make it work. But I can't.

This divorce is a major turning point for me. I have always had a man in my life. I've never been single for long. I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. I'm starting to find me, but it's a slow process. I am going to get through this and come out of it a stronger person. I am going to slowly make the changes in my life that will make me happy.

I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not really knowing who that person is that's staring back at me. I have so much more potential...and I'm going to grasp that and never let go.

Silence.

Last night in the silence that has become my marriage...I just sat there and stared at him. I don't really know why but I couldn't stop. I guess I was looking for answers. Trying to figure out where we went wrong and what brought us to this hostile, quiet place we're in. He was watching a movie and didn't notice me staring at him for the longest time. Finally he looked over at me and said, "Is something wrong?" I just told him I was fine and half heartedly watched the movie with him. I couldn't get my mind off of it though. It blows my mind...I thought I knew him so well. He thought he knew me. Now we're like strangers and it's just a strange and uncomfortable feeling. He's still my husband. He's still the father of my child. For awhile, I couldn't remember the good times. Now that my anger has diminished I can remember them. I'm ready to let go of him. I'm ready to make my life mine and I'm ready to forgive him.

More on the weekend...

I wanted to elaborate on my weekend but I didn’t have much time this morning. We’re renovating our office space so I’ve been trying to pack up my desk so that my new desk can come in to my space and be assembled.

Sooo…Friday night we didn’t do much. The kids stayed up a little later than normal and colored at the kitchen table while I did some laundry and cleaning. After they went to be Luke and I watched Wild Hogs. We didn’t argue at all but we didn’t really talk either. It’s so awkward now. We’re like strangers….I never saw us being where we are now.

He had to work on Saturday so it was just me and the kids. Katelyn couldn’t pee and she was screaming because her bladder was so full and she couldn’t relax enough to pee. I bathed the kids and fed them breakfast and we headed up to St. John’s in Washington. They asked Katelyn if she could try to pee in a cup but she said she didn’t think she could. Poor baby. Her belly was hard as a rock and her bladder was so full you could literally SEE it. They decided to do a catheter. I held her hands and talked to her while they did it. She cried a little at first but once they started to empty her bladder you could tell that she didn’t mind. I think just getting all that out and not having that pressure on her bladder made her feel tons better. I’ve never seen that much pee come out of such a tiny person. They said her bladder was as full as it could get. Before they even sent the urine sample off to the lab the doctor told me he could tell she had a urinary tract infection. Her pee looked like ice tea. It was nasty. They gave her Septra (again!) because it always seems to help when she gets a UTI. After that she was feeling much better and she had some color back in her face. The doctor was sending us on our way and he was giving me instructions on what not to do. He told me to keep her hydrated and NO soda. Katelyn put her hands on her hips and said, “We don’t drink soda. We are healthy.” I was cracking up! The doctor thought it was hilarious and he was laughing too. She’s such a character. J I asked her if she wanted to go home and she said, “NO I want to go shopping!”

Sooo..we went over to the resale shop and got Cole’s Halloween costume J He’s gonna be a frog!! SO CUTE! Afterwards we got some lunch and headed home. We baked cookies in the shape of pumpkins and decorated them with funny pumpkin faces. When Luke got home we all headed to dinner and then we went to Walmart. We picked up costumes for Kate and Allen. Kate got a really cute witch costume and Allen is going to be Spiderman. Luke was feeling generous and he bought me this area rug that I’ve been eyeing for the living room and a few decorations fot the house. We went home and gave the kids a bath and I read them a few chapters out of their Children’s Devotional Bible. After they went to bed Luke and I watched Vacancy and passed out. Again, no fighting. But that’s only because we hardly spoke to eachother.

On Sunday he got up with the kids, thank GOD! I needed that extra hour of sleep. After I got up, we got the kids bathed and dressed and headed to Pin Oak Farms. It was SO much fun. When we got there we went on a hayride back to the pumpkin patch and picked out a big pumpkin to carve. The kids each picked out a small pumpkin of their own. After that they got to feed goats and see some cows, chickens, and horses. They also had these Big plastic swimming pools filled with corn instead of sand. It was a really cool idea! They had slides that went into them and the kids had SO much fun. I got some great pictures I’ll post later this week. They also had a bounce house and all 3 of our kids went in that and bounced every bit of energy they had out of them. We got some squash and a few fall decorations for the house and decided we were hungry so we left. We went and ate at some little malt shop in Washington. It was pretty good. Then we went down to the riverfront for a little bit until the kids got really crabby and we headed home.

Once we got home Luke worked on his truck and Katelyn & Allen played outside with their tractors. Cole took a nap and I cleaned the house and finished up the laundry. We didn’t do much else, just the usual. Dinner, baths, etc. The kids begged me to read out of their bible so we did that for awhile before bedtime. Then Luke and I watched Fracture and went to bed. I was almost asleep when he insisted on talking about “us”. He was crying and begging me to forgive him. I just told him to go to sleep because I don’t have the energy to talk about any of it. He left me alone and I know he stayed up most of the night…this morning his eyes were puffy from crying and he looked tired. Oh well…it won’t kill him. I’ve spent plenty of nights like that. It’s his turn for once.

Pumpkin Patch.

This weekend actually wasn't too bad. I spent a lot of time cleaning and taking care of Katelyn. She had to go to the ER on Saturday because of a bad urinary tract infection. She was miserable. They had to put in a catheter because she couldn't pee. They emptied her bladder and her pee was BROWN. It was GROSS. Poor baby was just miserable. She's feeling much better now. Yesterday we went to the Pin Oak Farms Pumpkin Patch in New Haven. SO much fun!! Davney - you HAVE to take the girls there. It is awesome!!! Luke went with us and we actually had a good time together. I did my best to push my hostility aside and just have a good time. The kids had a blast. We bought a few pumpkins and some fresh acorn & butternut squash. After that we went out to eat and came home and the kids played outside. It was the first REALLY good day I've had in a long time. And I was shocked that Luke was a part of it.
This weekend I started reading Eat Pray Love. That book...wow. I'm halfway through it and it's brought me to tears a number of times. This book just really got me. Courtney - thank you from the bottom of my heart for recommending that book. :)
Well...I have to go to a meeting. I hope you all had a nice weekend.

Update

Katelyn - She is doing wonderfully in preschool. She can write her first name with no problem. She's starting to read and it's wonderful!!! I am so proud of her. She's only four and she just seems so much older at times. She's got a smart mouth on her...we're working on that. I have little to no patience for anyone else's bratty smart mouth kids so it's strange to experience this with my own child. I have no patience for it. But I haven't found a good solution to it either. Anyway - she's doing well. Smart and bossy as ever :)

Cole - Gosh he is growing like a weed. I can't beleive it. He's so damn smart. When we get done with dinner Katelyn and Allen know it's time for a bath. They go back in the laundry room, take off their dirty clothes and put them in the basket. Now after I undress Cole he stands up and literally runs back to the laundry room with his clothes. It's hilarious! He uses so many words now, it's amazing. I guess I shouldn't be shocked, Katelyn started talking really early too....but it still scares the crap out of me. He's such a loveable boy :)

Allen - We've had a rough few weeks. I don't really want to talk about the negatives....I know it seems that I do that a lot. There's just so much that this poor kid is dealing with. I try to "unload" my mind here but the response from a lot of people is really just not what I want/need to hear. Since this is OPEN diary I'm just going to keep the negatives to myself and not put it out there for people to judge. I will say that I'm so glad we discovered that painting helps him. It's amazing to watch him paint. He made a picture for me that is a bunch of pumpkins...and they are just...wow. I can't explain it. But he is extremely artistic. I'm just so glad we've found something that he loves...it actually seems to help when he's angry. It's awesome ; )

Luke - I don't think Luke is a bad guy. I've come to realize that 99% of the way he is stems directly from his upbringing. It's sad. I wish I had it in me to stick by him and wait to see if he could change. But I just can't. I'm not strong enough and I'm not willing to risk my sanity to wait around. We said "til death do us part"...but I think in this instance...I can't do it. I really do love him deep down....but I need stability. My kids need that. he can't give us that right now.

Me - I'm actually ok considering all that's going on. I've been trying to eat at least one meal a day. For awhile I wasn't eating much at all. I'm really focusing on getting myself mentally "healed" so to speak. I'm really trying to find out who I am...I don't know if it's possible. But I want to try.

Halloween Plans - We don't have the kid's costumes yet because Katelyn & Allen can't decide want they want to be. That's something I need to get accomplished this weekend. We're going to trick or treat in St. Clair. I live right in the middle of town - perfect place to trick or treat. It's funny...last year I was able to get rid of the candy without the kids noticing. This year Katelyn is going to be tricky to hide it from. I know it seems mean - but my kids don't eat candy except on very rare occasions. They'll get to keep a couple of pieces and the rest goes in the trash. They don't need to be eating that shit. It's pure sugar. No thank you.

Finances - I'm still behind but I'm DAMN close to catching up. I get paid on the 15th and I'll be caught up after that. I am SO glad. I hate being broke. It really sucks. I'm not totally broke but I definitely am scraping by.

Tampa - It's almost here!!! I am SO excited. Kris - we're hanging out at the hotel bar on Friday night if you want to come join us!!! I need to fill you in on where I'm staying so leave me your email address in a note.

Robert - I swear....that guy is like another one of my kids. He's doing ok. He can walk now. His ankles are healing well and he walks with crutches. He was in a wheelchair. He's going to see a dentist next week to see about getting implants since he lost his teeth. Also, he's suing GM because his air bag sensor went off but the air bags stayed intact. His face would be much better off if the airbags would've came out. Turns out, he wasn't drunk. His blood alcohol content was really low so they are pretty sure he just fell asleep. Scary. But I'm glad he's ok. Love that kid. I've been spending a lot of time at his apartment. me and the kids go over there and clean up his living room/kitchen and help him do his laundry. He'd do the same for me if I was injured.

I guess that's really all for now. My internet may get hooked back up today or tomorrow so you may hear from me this weekend. not sure.

Thursday.

Yesterday I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew something wasn't right. I asked Rosann to keep the kids overnight. After my I met with my attorney (that went well!) I went to Robert's and helped him clean up his apartment and visited. After that I went home. Luke was pissed that I wasn't home by the time he got there. He got there maybe 5 minutes before I did. Then he got pissed because I wouldn't have sex with him. He is a dick. He yelled at me pretty much all night and said a bunch of really fucked up things to me. Bah.

Whatever.

I have to come up with $1000 for half of my retainer and then my lawyer will file the papers. It can't happen soon enough.

Courtney - I bought Eat Pray Love last night and I'm going to read it this weekend. Thank you hun.

Work Stuff.

Everyone has been asking how my new job is going. I haven't had the energy to write out a long entry so I'm just going to share an email I got this morning. This pretty much sums up what is going on at work. Things are going REALLY well. I'm working my ass off and I've been praying that it would show and that my boss would see that I know the product and work hard. This email is from my mentor (Jeff). He's our top salesman and he is working with my boss (Kate) to train me.

Michelle,

Yesterday's training was awesome! You really impressed me with your will to learn and try new things. I know cold calling is not fun. That's why we're trying to change things up a bit. I'm not expecting you to get a prospect list, make some calls and get appts right away. That's not the point of this. This is not telemarketing. This is personal marketing. Getting the answers. Asking the right questions so that we can talk to the decision maker rather than just a secretary.
Between you, Keelyn, and myself - we called a total of 26 prospects in the BDT Pipeline. Of those 26 we got 12 appts. That is amazing. What's even more amazing is that 9 of those were yours! We knew when you got hired on that you had the knack for sales, but I'm astonished at how great you are doing in your first month here.

Next week, you and I will be going together on some sales calls that you set up. Those will be your personal relationships. From there, you will be getting partial comission on top of your current pay. Once you go to outside sales completely, you'll own those accounts and you'll make full comission. What you bring in, you keep. You can make a lot of money and have a lot of fun with this. It may be 6 months to a year before you go completely to outside sales but I really think that appointment setting and personal marketing to get those appointments over the phone will really help you learn what your sales strategy is. Everyone has a different style. Hang in there. I know being in the office most of the time isn't as much fun as being outside...but that will come in time. So far you have truly proven your abilities and Kate is really impressed. We had a meeting late yesterday and I bragged on you and made sure she knew that you are moving forward in your training and really working hard.

I am thrilled with the Business Development Team. I really think that you and Keelyn are going to kick some ass. We needed young people to come in and change things up. Some of the salespeople that have been here for years...they are happy with the accounts they've got. They don't care about going out and finding new business. That is where you will excel.

Keep on keepin on! You're doing great!

Jeff S.

So...that gives you the basic idea of how it's going. Work is amazing. I absolutely love my job. Love the business development team. We have a great team and I'm learning from the best. The pay is fantastic. I am just really happy here :)

Tuesday.

Tomorrow is my appointment with my attorney...and then a counseling appointment right after. I am looking forward to both. I need to find out from my new attorney how much I need up front. And with everything that has happened in the past week..I am in need of speaking with someone who is outside of my situation. Someone who will not judge me and someone who will understand what I am going through.

Bad Weekend.

My 26th birthday is now considered the very worst birthday I've had in my entire life. I'm not going to get into what happened because honestly, I don't need to hear about it from anyone. I was barely able to tell Chantele on the phone because I was just so embarrased of what is happening to me...but anyway...whatever. It was awful. It ended horribly too. I went to bed at 9 and was woke up to someone banging on my door at 10. It was Luke's dad. He had blood all over him and he was beat up BAD. Apparently my brother was in town this weekend...and he was at the bar with my dad. Most of you know that my dad and Luke's dad do not get along. Melvin is a prick and he is constantly saying stupid shit and getting drunk and acting like an asshole. Apparently my brother (the only sober one!) got tired of Melvin running his mouth. He walked over to him at the bar and said, "Look man, enough is enough. You don't like my dad and that's fine. Just ignore eachother and let everyone have a good time tonight." Melvin didn't like that so he told my brother to meet him outside. Matt did just that and Melvin punched him in the face and gave Matt a bloody nose. My brother doesn't take shit from ANYONE so he hauled off and beat the shit out of Melvin.
Now, I'm not mad at my brother, I just wish he would've kept his mouth shut and left it alone....
Anyway...we only live 2 blocks from the bar so Melvin stumbled down to our house and had us call the cops. After I called the cops, he told me that my brother was the one who did it. I was pissed. I had just called the cops on my own brother for defending himself. Anyway - Melvin is fine. He's just banged up. But that was a lovely end to my already shitty birthday.
Yesterday was equally awful for different reasons. I'm glad the weekend is over.
I don't even feel like talking about the rest of it.

Quick.

I figured I needed to write a little something since it's been awhile. I should have the internet again this week since I was finally able to pay that horrible bill.

I went to my first counseling session with ALIVE. It was a good experience for me. It was hard to talk about certain things...and actually admit some of the things my husband has done...but I think it was good for me to say it out loud. She helped me find an attorney and I have an appointment on Wednesday to see her. I want this to just be over with.

Last night I couldn't sleep. Just kept wondering how I got here. How my life ended up this way.

Whatever...I'm changing it now. That's all that matters, right?