Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Finding Me.

I mentioned in a previous post that I am reading Eat Pray Love right now. This book has evoked so many emotions in me. It's got a lot of religious references in it but it's really about a woman who is going through a really bad divorce...and she's just trying to find herself. She's trying to find God and it doesn't matter if it's through the Catholic religion or in an Ashram in India. She's just desperate for answers. Anyway - I'm almost finished with this book and it's just really touched my heart.

I've been putting on the brave face and telling everyone I'm ok and I'm not crying myself to sleep at night. That is very untrue. I just hate having anyone worry about me. I am more than ready to forgive Luke for what happened and forgive myself for standing by and watching my marriage fall apart. But it still hurts. It hurts in the very depths of my heart. I don't feel that I am in love with him anymore. But I still love him dearly. He is my husband. And at one point he was an amazing husband. I don't know what happened. I don't know where he veered off the path we were on. I don't know why. I keep searching for answers that aren't there. I'll never really know when/why/how. That's why I am ready to forgive him. I just woke up the other day and realized that all of these questions are just driving me to the brink of insanity and making my life unmanageable.

I'm done asking why. I'm done with all of the questions. Now I just have to get past the fact that I have to let go. I have to walk away with grace, when all I want to do is kick and scream and figure out why God chose this for me. I really and truly wish that I had it in my heart to stick it out with Luke. I wish that I could love him enough to do that. I wish that I could go through with therapy and believe him when he says he wants to make it work. But I can't.

This divorce is a major turning point for me. I have always had a man in my life. I've never been single for long. I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. I'm starting to find me, but it's a slow process. I am going to get through this and come out of it a stronger person. I am going to slowly make the changes in my life that will make me happy.

I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not really knowing who that person is that's staring back at me. I have so much more potential...and I'm going to grasp that and never let go.

1 comment: said...

I think you'd really like the book "Do You Think I'm Beautiful" (I swear, it's not as cheesy as it sounds.) It's a Christian book by Angela... something or other. She went through a divorce as well.. and her book is really wonderful.