Monday, November 26, 2007
You are so hurt that they left you. So angry that they put you through this pain. So sad that they'll never be a part of your world again. I am on a rollercoaster.
I went to see Beth last night - and that will be a different entry because it was so much fun and I want that to be a happy entry....but anyway - I had a great time...even though I'm sick as hell. I'm home now...and I'm alone...And that's when all these thoughts start swirling around.
I guess if you've never been through a divorce you can't really understand. Breaking up with Brian was really hard on me and I thought that would be the hardest thing I'd ever do. A breakup and a divorce - two different things and now I realize that.
Nothing in me wants him back - nothing. I just go from being filled with rage that he would be so hateful to do this to me - to being so sad that my marriage ended. And then I'm feeling sorry for him for being raised by such a douchebag, because that's part of his fucking problem.I feel so out of control right now. My emotions are all over the place. I have no control over them and I can't stand it.
Something else about this that I don't understand...is that it just hits me like a ton of bricks and I never see it coming. I can be in a great mood and then it just hits me and I'm overwhelmed with grief. Just 20 minutes ago I was making hot tea and I remembered that once when Luke made me mad over something stupid he went to the Asian grocery store for me and bought me my favorite green tea. So I was making my tea and I just stood there and sobbed. I couldn't stop. I laid on my kitchen floor and sobbed. Who fucking does that???? It's literally like physical pain.This isn't fucking normal.I need a hug. I need to hear that it's gonna be ok. I need my friends. But I can't fucking call anyone because I lost my fucking voice. Seriously. Today sucks.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Most of you know that Katelyn's dad is REALLY behind in child support. He's never paid for more than 2 months at a time. He rarely holds a job for more than two weeks. He loves her, but he has no ambition and he's irresponsible.
He owes me close to $8000 in back child support. She's only 4. That's ridiculous. He only has to pay about 1/8 of his actual income when he works so he has no excuse for why he can't pay it.
Well...just today I was thinking about how I hadn't heard anything about when his next court date is. And we haven't talked to him in over a week. Turns out, he was in jail. Why? For not paying his child support! He's out on bond...but he has to go back to court Dec 20th and he'll probably go right back to jail.
Karma is a bitch. Don't fuck with her.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Robert said to me yesterday, "Normally you are so bubbly and upbeat. That's why we became friends. You love life and it's contagious." He's right. Normally I am the life of the party. I'm always doing something. I love to be busy and I love to be around people. Lately, not so much. I have no desire to do anything...and that's not good. I need to get back to my normal self. I need to take my kids to the park and play outside. I need to let Katelyn help me cook dinner instead of rushing through it so I can just sit and think. It's not fair to my kids.
I know that everyone pictures me laying on my couch bawling my eyes out, but I haven't really cried much. It's just a weird feeling I've been having. It makes sense in my head and I wish I could type it out so it would make sense to others...but I guess that doesn't really matter. This is for me, right?
Starting today I'm going to make an honest effort to smile. I'm going to make an honest effort to get myself back and drag myself out of this depression I'm falling into.
Although I've been dealt a bad hand, life has been good to me. I am blessed to have 2 beautiful kids that need me more than I need to mope.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
This weekend I found myself constantly feeling like I needed to be around someone. A friend...family..a stranger at the damn grocery store. I don't know what it is, I guess I'm lonely in a way. It's weird because once I have someone around, I want them to leave so I can be alone. Fucking bizarre. I don't know what my deal is. But now, it's Sunday night and the kids are asleep. Now I feel extremely lonely.
I know that tomorrow is the start of a new week...I'll get up...go to work...come home...and be alone every night after the kids go to bed. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely thrilled that Luke is gone and the worst bout of loneliness wouldn't make me want him back. I'm just not used to being alone.
I had a great time with my kids this weekend but when they're sleeping it's just so quiet here. I don't have any desire to watch tv. I cleaned a little but I got a little ADD with that and got bored. I drove to St. Louis on Saturday to go to Aeriana's soccer game and out to lunch for my mom's 49th birthday. That was good. Kept my mind off of things.
I know that everything I'm feeling is probably very normal when you are going through a divorce. But ultimately I've never been through this and I had no idea what to expect.
I guess all I can do is take a deep breath and tell myself....This too shall pass.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
I told him to get off of me and I got up and took a shower. I don't know how I don't have third degree burns...I had the water as hot as I could and I cried the whole 10 minutes I was in the shower. I guess I was subconsciously trying to rid myself of his fingerprints. I knew that today was the day he would have to leave our house. I knew that today was the last time he would be able to humiliate me like that. He will never be able to take my pride from me again.
I got myself ready for work while he went and did his "business" in the bathroom. I wanted to vomit the whole time. Me and the kids walked out the door in which he followed to tell the kids goodbye and tell me, "I love you." I said, "I love you too" and it made me sick. I do love him, but I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with the man I married and that is not who he is now.
He thought I went to work. Really I took the kids to the baby sitter's house like usual, and I went straight to my attorney's office. As I sat there filling out tons of paperwork and giving them all of this personal information, I couldn't help but wonder why. Why did it turn out this way? Why did he do this to me? Why do I choose men like this? Why did I do this to my kids? There are so many questions, and not a single answer.
After the attorney's office, I had to go over the courthouse to get an ex parte(restraining order). I filled out more paperwork and was then told that the judge actually wanted to speak with me. That rarely happens. They usually just sign it and don't talk to you until the court date. I went into his office and nearly fainted because I was so nervous. The judge didn't say a single word for what seemed like forever but in reality it was only a minute or two. He was staring at me and he finally said, "I'm going to sign this order of protection. I'm giving you temporary custody of your son. He doesn't get any visitation. I can see in your eyes that you are terrified of this man." He signed it and sent me on my way. That was all that was said in that office...well except for me telling him, "Thank you your honor. I appreciate this more than words can say."
Once the order was signed I had to go back to St. Clair. The courthouse is in the next town over (Union). But a St. Clair police officer had to accompany the Franklin County Sherriff to serve him with the papers since we live there. I met them at the police station and they said, "We'll be back in a few to let you know he's out of the house." They called it a "kick out". The term was thrown around so loosely like it's no big deal. My stomach was in knots while I waited for them to get back.
Once they said it was ok to go home, I picked up Robert and brought him with me because I was still scared. He changed the locks for me and I sat in the living room floor and cried. It's so hard...I know I need to be away from him. I don't want to be with him. But I'm mourning the ending of my marriage. It's like losing a loved one to a bad car accident.
He hasn't tried to contact me that I know of. Of course I've had several unknown calls on my cell that I am betting are him, but I can't prove it. His dad stopped by to pick up Allen's clothes and toys. That was hard. I am not even ready to write about that. Luke picked Allen up from Rosann's. I got there about an hour before he did so I got a chance to say goodbye. I took Allen outside and just hugged him for a long time. I can't do this...nevermind. I'm just not ready to write about that.
Anyway - I cheated tonight and took the kids to McDonald's. I bought myself a meal but couldn't eat it. I talked to Katelyn and explained to her that Luke and Allen are gonna go live somewhere else now. I explained that sometimes things just don't work out and this is what's best for all of us. She responded with, "Are you breaking up with him mommy?!" I sat there stunned and finally just said, "Yes that's pretty much what is happening." I explained that she'll get to play with Allen at Rosann's as long as Luke keeps taking him there. She didn't honestly seem to affected...but give it a week or two. She'll have tons of questions.
I am beyond exhausted. My eyes hurt from crying. My heart feels heavy tonight.
Monday, November 12, 2007
I am relieved but terrified.
This is a feeling I've never experienced and I'm not quite sure how to explain it.
Freedom is such a precious thing...and I'm ready to get that back.
Friday, November 9, 2007
She started with, "I'm going to be brutally honest..."
Insert MAJOR freak out on my part. I was expecting the worst.
Then she smiled and said, "She is such a joy to have in class and if she wasn't here, the class would fall apart!"
She expressed to me her concern that she is going to be bored in school because she is so far ahead of the other kids. Her writing is past Kindergarten level. She can read lots of words. She knows the days of the week and announces what the date is every day to the class before the teacher gets a chance to. LOL.
She's very social and her classmates all fight over who gets to play with her. LMAO. NOT the same at home.
There is so much more...but I don't have time to write it all out.
Of course, I am incredibly proud that my 4 year old is such a big girl. But at the same time, I'm scared for her. Being super smart isn't always easy in school. I don't want her to be bored. I don't want her to hate school. She reminds me so much of my brother and he absolutely hate school after Kindergarten. He was bored to tears because he was just so far beyond his classmates.
It's frightening to me. It really is.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Sunday, November 4, 2007
My parents are going to pay for the attorney so I can file for divorce. Finances were the only thing holding me back. They are also going to loan me the money for first month's rent and a deposit on an apartment in St. Louis. I need to move back home. Being an hour and a half away from work and my family is too much. I need to cut down the commute and be near the people who love and care about me.
Things are looking up and I am so grateful for that.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Well...I already pay 95% of the bills without help from him. What he pays is so little that it's not going to affect me. Dealing with the kids? Well, right now I have 3 kids...two of my own and one stepchild. I deal with them ALONE now. When we officially are apart I'll only have my two and to be completely honest, Allen is like having 4 kids at one time so I'll be just fine. Katelyn has her moments but she's a pretty easy kid. Cole is always getting into things, but what 15 month old isn't?? I've already been through this stage with two other children. I'm much more laidback with him because I know in time it will pass.
Will I be lonely? Maybe. But I've made a vow to myself. I'm going to be completely single for at least one full year after my divorce is final. No dates. No sex. No men. Period. Sounds easy right? Well it's not. But that's ok, I'll be fine. I want to do this. I want to be alone and really figure out what I want out of a relationship...and if I ever really want one again.
I'm going to be ok. I have faith. I have my kids. I have my family & friends. I've got God.
I don't need a man. I don't need the drama/problems. I have my babies...and that's all I need :)
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Katelyn: Mommy, where is god?
Me: Well, he's way up in the sky, in heaven.
Katelyn: What's he doing up there?
Me: He's watching over all the people in the world.
Me: Because that's his job.
Katelyn: God has a job? Isn't he a little busy to have a job?
Me: Well, he is a pretty busy guy with lots of jobs.
Katelyn: Was he watching over our Robert when he had his crash? Is that why Robert is ok?
Me: Yes baby. God decided that he wasn't ready for Robert to come up to heaven. He decided to let us keep him a little while longer.
Katelyn: Wow. God is super cool like you mom. But I still think you are way better.
We talk about God a lot and I'm glad that she asks questions. But, that was really tough for me, because she's just so young to be asking questions like that. It's interesting how perceptive kids are. Happy November everyone.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Anyway - the look on Katelyn's face when she saw us sitting next to eachother...it was priceless. She kept looking at me and then looking at him and then back to me. She was smiling so big. She ran up to us and didn't know who to hug first. She told her teacher like 14 times that her mommy and her daddy both came to see her Halloween performance. It was really cool.
I know that I complain about Brian a lot...and I have a right to. But I will say this, he does love his daughter. He just doesn't have his life on the right track. He doesn't know whether he's coming or going. He doesn't know how to prioritize. While some people may say that it's parental instinct to do that, I don't think that's true. I really think that some people aren't meant to be parents but things happen and they become parents. I think people can change. I think people like Brian have the opportunity to be good parents. It's a matter of choice. I don't know if he'll ever be the dad that Katelyn deserves. But he's her dad. She loves him. And he loves her. That's all that matters to me at this point.
I am by no means a perfect parent. There are plenty of things I can and will improve about my parenting. It's a learning process and we all make mistakes along the way. But I know this...Katelyn knows that she is loved. By me and by Brian. She has tons of positive influences around her to hopefully counteract the irresponsible choices her dad makes. She's going to be just fine. And maybe one day her dad will get this whole parenting thing and make the changes in his life to be a good parent all the time and not just every now and then. I chalk it up to immaturity and the way he was raised. It's not entirely his fault, but it's time for him to be an adult and take responsibility for his actions.
He's changed a lot in the last few years for the better but he's got a long way to go. It was just really nice that he showed up yesterday. He's not my favorite person, but he's one of Katelyn's favorite people.
Monday, October 29, 2007
I know that it's not entirely my fault that our marriage is ending. After all, he is the one that strayed and that is what started this mess I call my marriage. It's still just really sad for me. At one point in time, I was deeply in love with Luke. I was thankful to have him in my life. Things changed. He changed. And the hard part is that now he's really trying to be the husband I deserve and I want no part of it.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
- My kids
- My family
- My friends
- Long bubble baths
- Watching the sunset (cheesy, I know!!)
- Intellectual conversation
- Reading a good book
- Crying happy tears
- Painting Katelyn's nails
- Watching my babies sleeping
- The way Cole says "mama"
- Watching Allen paint
- Hearing Katelyn sing
- knowing that my mom is proud of me
- Cleaning my house
- clean sheets
- leaving the windows open
- Wearing sweatpants on a cold day
- Talking on the phone
- Sleeping past 7 am
- hot tea with honey
- Sitting on the beach with my toes in the sand.
- Reading books to my kids.
- The smell of clean laundry
- Cooking a big dinner
- Gossiping with Chantele
- Acting stupid/silly with my sister
- Bud Light
- Shopping at Target
- Shopping at Goodwill
- Looking at old pictures
- Remembering my Grandma's voice (so hard to do anymore!)
- Talking to my mom on the phone after work
- Emailing my mom/sister/Sara while I'm at work
- Cloth diapers :)
- Microsuede couches
- Hearing about Kate's day at school
- Washing my car
- Big Sunglasses
- Writing in OD
- Listening to music
- Yard Sales
- Holding a newborn baby
- Taking pictures
- Hanging out at the river
- Listening to my kid's laughter.
- Being in love (Ha! ironic huh?)
- hot showers
- Buying new jewelry
- Wearing heels
- My favorite jeans
- Taking a nap with my babies :)
- Talking a walk
- Working out
I could go on forever....but I am out of time :)
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn'tStopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I have a tattoo accross my lower back that says my daughter's name (Katelyn) with stars and such in purple, yellow, red, and blue. I also want to put my son Cole's name on my back but this time around I'm not going for that large of a tattoo. It's a good pain, but this momma can't sit still for that damn long anymore. LOL. I'm wanting to get something in between my shoulder blades that way I can cover it when I'm at work.
I am hoping that one of you has some sort of artistic ability and the time to draw something up for me. I don't want to go in a tattoo shop and have them draw it up because it will look just like 8776565 people's tattoos. That's why I'm asking you guys!!
Help me out!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Me and my sis on the water bike.
Monday, October 22, 2007
On Friday our flight left St. Louis at 9:10. We landed around 12:20 (FL time). We got off the plane, got our luggage and rental car. That was a fiasco in itself. We were supposed to be getting a Navigator and they gave it away. My mom was PISSED. So we drove a Grand Marquis. LMAO. That thing looked like a Grandpa car and we gave my stepdad so much shit about it all weekend. We got to the hotel around 1:30 and we were planning on grabbing something for lunch and then heading to our massage/facial while my stepdad and brother went to the ocean. We tried to check in and the rude lady at the front desk told us our reservation was cancelled. She was a total bitch to my mom and my mom doesn’t play that game. LOL. I thought she was going to come over the counter and slap a bitch. Finally the manager came out and upgraded my parents to a penthouse and gave me, my brother, and sister a suite. It was NNIIIICCCCEEE. I will say, we stayed at one of the more expensive hotels on St. Pete Beach and their customer service was absolutely AWFUL. We my parents were paying almost $300 a night per room and they treated us like SHIT. I will be sending in a complaint at some point this week. By the time we go to our rooms we had no time to eat. We went to the spa and it was LOVELY. The lady that did my massage was great. We chatted about everything. She was shocked that I cloth diaper. She was shocked that I don’t feed my kids a bunch of crap. It was a nice conversation. And the massage and facial…holy shit. Amazing.
After that we just grabbed some McDonald’s and went back to the hotel. We changed into our bathing suits and went down to the bar on the beach. Had some drinks and then the rest of the family showed up. Our friend Heather came and met us there with her boyfriend Robby. We all went to dinner at Spinner’s. Spinner’s was on the top level of the hotel and AMAZING food. I had grilled scallops and they were to DIE for. I’ve never had REAL fresh seafood ever before in my life. OMG. I’ll never want to eat seafood in Missouri again. After that we went down to the beach bar with the whole family. Drinks were flowing, people were dancing…it was a lot of fun. At one point me, my sister, and Heather made our drunken way down to the beach. It was about 10 pm and PITCH black. We pulled up our pants legs and were running around in the sand. Somehow…we got tripped up by a wave and landed ass on the beach covered in salt water. Yeah. It was SO funny. We were soaked and covered in sand but we didn’t care. We walked back to the bar, just like that. Haha.
As we walked up to the bar we noticed these 3 girls standing by my brother. They didn’t look a day over 12 and they were dressed like skanks. My brother was visibly annoyed and giving me and my sister the signal to help him out. Sooo….we did. ; ) My sister walked up and put her arm around my brother and said, “come on honey, let’s go to our room”. Me and all my girl cousins walked up and I said, “I’m his sister. I don’t think he’s interested. Go away.” Christie walked up and said, “I’m his sister too. There are 12 of us. It might be best if you leave him alone.” It was HILARIOUS. One of the girls was hanging all over my brother and she was telling him that she’s in “Psychology School”. Never heard of that. Anyway – she looked over at me and said, “Are you like married in a bar?” with a total airhead tone of voice. I said, “Are you like 15, in a bar?” She told me she was 26 and informed of her driver’s license # which I’m sure she memorized from her fake ID. ; ) She finally left when my mom came over and informed her that she better get her “nasty hands off of her son”. Haha. After they left we ordered 32 shots. Haha. There were a LOT of us there. We took a shot called a Blowjob and somehow my mom ended up with whipped cream all over her mouth. LMAO. My mom doesn’t drink but she sure did that night. It was classic!
The next day we all met for breakfast at the restaurant in the hotel. It was REALLY expensive and VERY tasty : ) We spent the rest of the day at the beach….we rode wave runners, drank a LOT, and we even rode on these weird water bikes. I’ll post a picture tonight because I don’t really know how to describe it. Picture a BIG tricycle with BIG plastic wheels. LMAO. It was neat. Around 4 we headed back to our rooms to shower and get ready for my Uncle Scott’s 40th party. The party was at my cousin Erica’s house right outside of Tampa. Her house is GORGEOUS. We had a great time there. We roasted my uncle and everyone told funny stories and gave him shit about being bald. My stepdad was the most funny…he had an EKG a week ago and when they took those little sticky things off his chest it ripped huge chunks of his chest hair out. He brought them with him and stuck them on my Uncle’s head and called them “hair transplants”. It was SO funny. Gross, but hilarious. We cried, we laughed, we hugged. It was just a really great night. On Sunday we got up and had breakfast. Then we checked out of the hotel (and again they were SO rude to us!). The guys went golfing at MacDill AFB where my Airforce General G-Pa was staying. LOL. Me, my mom, and my sister went shopping and had lunch. Then we went to the base to pick up the guys. The Airforce Base was really cool. I forgot my damn camera so I didn’t get pictures in there. Anyway – we got to the airport around 1:45 and our flight was supposed to leave at 3:10. It didn’t leave until almost 4. It was a full flight so it was a little claustrophobic for me but I survived. We got in to STL and my parents took me over to Rosann’s to get my car and my babies!! I was VERY happy to see them. We went home and I unpacked, did some laundry, and relaxed.
I have SO many pictures to share and I will try my best to do that tonight : )
We had a blast in Florida. My weekend was filled with white beaches, ocean water, rum runners, drunken dancing, and great times. I love spending time with my family. They are hilarious. I enjoyed having no responsibilities for the weekend but I really missed my babies. I was so happy to see them : ) I get Katelyn back today and I can't wait!! I missed her.
I have tons of hilarious stories to tell about my mom taking a Blowjob shot and me and my sister falling in the ocean fully clothed. ;) Good times. I'll be back later with stories and pictures.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Katelyn had school today and amazingly Brian arrived on time when school let out to pick her up. Points for that. Nevermind, he's so negative in points, a few wouldn't help him anyway. LOL. She'll be spending the weekend with him and his new girlfriend. Not sure if I mentioned her and her fake pregnancy and all the bullshit that goes along with that. I'll explain later. Anyway - her name is Chrissie and I've known her for years. She is NOT someone I really want around my daughter. She has a 5 year old that she's never with. Her daughter is basically being raised by her mom. It's retarded. Anyway - yesterday on the way home, Katelyn was talking to her dad on the phone and I hear her say, "When are we moving in with Chrissie, daddy?" I'm all WTF?! They've been dating 2 weeks. My daughter already KNOWS they are moving in together. Does he have a brain? Nope.
Anyway - I didn't say shit to him until after Kate went to bed. I called him back to make sure he could pick her up from school and he's all, "Yeah did you hear I'm moving in with Chrissie." I let him have it. Normally I don't say a word. It doesn't do any good. He's a fucking moron and you can't make him give a shit about Katelyn's wellbeing. But I had it. I told him how worthless he is. i told him it's bullshit that he can afford to live in a $1500 a month apartment but he can't pay his fucking child support for a whole god damn year. I made him feel about this big. He gave me some dumb excuse and I told him to go fuck himself and promptly hung up. Immature? Sure. Do I care? Nope. he deserved every bit of the ass chewing he got and he knows it. Excuse my trailer trash mouth today.
Anyway - so Katelyn also told me yesterday that she wants to live with her daddy and Chrissie. Well..I'll admit it was gut wrenching to hear. But - I realize that she's 4 and she's probably changed her mind by today. I tried so hard to fight the tears when she said that because I didn't want her to see me upset but no matter how hard I tried...they just keep rolling down my cheeks. She didn't notice because she was busy singing Honky Tonk Badonkadonk in the backseat ;) But it really did get to me. Robert reminded me that daddy doesn't pay child support so he can take her and do "fun" things that I can't afford. Daddy has all the time in the world to spend with her because he only has her on weekends. Daddy has no rules and no bedtimes. Daddy doesn't care if she eats junk food all weekend. Of course that is the more attractive option. I know all this, but it still cut me like a butcher knife.
I try not to let it get to me. It's just so frustrating. For the last 4 years, 2 months, and 8 days...it's been ME. I've been caring for her. I've been providing for her. I've been there every day to tell her I love her. Not him. But somehow the deadbeat dad always comes out the hero. Gah. Whatever.
Cole's eczema is god awful right now. He has scabs all over...head to toe from scratching. NOTHING provides relief. Believe me, we've tried EVERYthing. We don't use detergent with perfumes or dyes. We use gentle soap or NO soap on him. You name it, we've tried it. I'm starting to think he might have a milk allergy after talking to an allergist yesterday. As of today we're giving him rice milk for 2 weeks to see if it has any effect on it. The kid is miserable. You wouldn't believe just how bad it is unless you see it in person. Chantele has seen it...it's awful. We'll see how the rice milk goes. He loves the taste of it :)
Well...I have a ton to do and people to see. LOL. The boys will be with Rosann this weekend and I'll be in Tampa!! Drinking beer on the beach! WOOT! I'll update on Monday. Have a lovely weekend and be VERY jealous!! LOL
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I've been putting on the brave face and telling everyone I'm ok and I'm not crying myself to sleep at night. That is very untrue. I just hate having anyone worry about me. I am more than ready to forgive Luke for what happened and forgive myself for standing by and watching my marriage fall apart. But it still hurts. It hurts in the very depths of my heart. I don't feel that I am in love with him anymore. But I still love him dearly. He is my husband. And at one point he was an amazing husband. I don't know what happened. I don't know where he veered off the path we were on. I don't know why. I keep searching for answers that aren't there. I'll never really know when/why/how. That's why I am ready to forgive him. I just woke up the other day and realized that all of these questions are just driving me to the brink of insanity and making my life unmanageable.
I'm done asking why. I'm done with all of the questions. Now I just have to get past the fact that I have to let go. I have to walk away with grace, when all I want to do is kick and scream and figure out why God chose this for me. I really and truly wish that I had it in my heart to stick it out with Luke. I wish that I could love him enough to do that. I wish that I could go through with therapy and believe him when he says he wants to make it work. But I can't.
This divorce is a major turning point for me. I have always had a man in my life. I've never been single for long. I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. I'm starting to find me, but it's a slow process. I am going to get through this and come out of it a stronger person. I am going to slowly make the changes in my life that will make me happy.
I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not really knowing who that person is that's staring back at me. I have so much more potential...and I'm going to grasp that and never let go.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Sooo…Friday night we didn’t do much. The kids stayed up a little later than normal and colored at the kitchen table while I did some laundry and cleaning. After they went to be Luke and I watched Wild Hogs. We didn’t argue at all but we didn’t really talk either. It’s so awkward now. We’re like strangers….I never saw us being where we are now.
He had to work on Saturday so it was just me and the kids. Katelyn couldn’t pee and she was screaming because her bladder was so full and she couldn’t relax enough to pee. I bathed the kids and fed them breakfast and we headed up to St. John’s in Washington. They asked Katelyn if she could try to pee in a cup but she said she didn’t think she could. Poor baby. Her belly was hard as a rock and her bladder was so full you could literally SEE it. They decided to do a catheter. I held her hands and talked to her while they did it. She cried a little at first but once they started to empty her bladder you could tell that she didn’t mind. I think just getting all that out and not having that pressure on her bladder made her feel tons better. I’ve never seen that much pee come out of such a tiny person. They said her bladder was as full as it could get. Before they even sent the urine sample off to the lab the doctor told me he could tell she had a urinary tract infection. Her pee looked like ice tea. It was nasty. They gave her Septra (again!) because it always seems to help when she gets a UTI. After that she was feeling much better and she had some color back in her face. The doctor was sending us on our way and he was giving me instructions on what not to do. He told me to keep her hydrated and NO soda. Katelyn put her hands on her hips and said, “We don’t drink soda. We are healthy.” I was cracking up! The doctor thought it was hilarious and he was laughing too. She’s such a character. J I asked her if she wanted to go home and she said, “NO I want to go shopping!”
Sooo..we went over to the resale shop and got Cole’s Halloween costume J He’s gonna be a frog!! SO CUTE! Afterwards we got some lunch and headed home. We baked cookies in the shape of pumpkins and decorated them with funny pumpkin faces. When Luke got home we all headed to dinner and then we went to Walmart. We picked up costumes for Kate and Allen. Kate got a really cute witch costume and Allen is going to be Spiderman. Luke was feeling generous and he bought me this area rug that I’ve been eyeing for the living room and a few decorations fot the house. We went home and gave the kids a bath and I read them a few chapters out of their Children’s Devotional Bible. After they went to bed Luke and I watched Vacancy and passed out. Again, no fighting. But that’s only because we hardly spoke to eachother.
On Sunday he got up with the kids, thank GOD! I needed that extra hour of sleep. After I got up, we got the kids bathed and dressed and headed to Pin Oak Farms. It was SO much fun. When we got there we went on a hayride back to the pumpkin patch and picked out a big pumpkin to carve. The kids each picked out a small pumpkin of their own. After that they got to feed goats and see some cows, chickens, and horses. They also had these Big plastic swimming pools filled with corn instead of sand. It was a really cool idea! They had slides that went into them and the kids had SO much fun. I got some great pictures I’ll post later this week. They also had a bounce house and all 3 of our kids went in that and bounced every bit of energy they had out of them. We got some squash and a few fall decorations for the house and decided we were hungry so we left. We went and ate at some little malt shop in Washington. It was pretty good. Then we went down to the riverfront for a little bit until the kids got really crabby and we headed home.
Once we got home Luke worked on his truck and Katelyn & Allen played outside with their tractors. Cole took a nap and I cleaned the house and finished up the laundry. We didn’t do much else, just the usual. Dinner, baths, etc. The kids begged me to read out of their bible so we did that for awhile before bedtime. Then Luke and I watched Fracture and went to bed. I was almost asleep when he insisted on talking about “us”. He was crying and begging me to forgive him. I just told him to go to sleep because I don’t have the energy to talk about any of it. He left me alone and I know he stayed up most of the night…this morning his eyes were puffy from crying and he looked tired. Oh well…it won’t kill him. I’ve spent plenty of nights like that. It’s his turn for once.
This weekend I started reading Eat Pray Love. That book...wow. I'm halfway through it and it's brought me to tears a number of times. This book just really got me. Courtney - thank you from the bottom of my heart for recommending that book. :)
Well...I have to go to a meeting. I hope you all had a nice weekend.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Cole - Gosh he is growing like a weed. I can't beleive it. He's so damn smart. When we get done with dinner Katelyn and Allen know it's time for a bath. They go back in the laundry room, take off their dirty clothes and put them in the basket. Now after I undress Cole he stands up and literally runs back to the laundry room with his clothes. It's hilarious! He uses so many words now, it's amazing. I guess I shouldn't be shocked, Katelyn started talking really early too....but it still scares the crap out of me. He's such a loveable boy :)
Allen - We've had a rough few weeks. I don't really want to talk about the negatives....I know it seems that I do that a lot. There's just so much that this poor kid is dealing with. I try to "unload" my mind here but the response from a lot of people is really just not what I want/need to hear. Since this is OPEN diary I'm just going to keep the negatives to myself and not put it out there for people to judge. I will say that I'm so glad we discovered that painting helps him. It's amazing to watch him paint. He made a picture for me that is a bunch of pumpkins...and they are just...wow. I can't explain it. But he is extremely artistic. I'm just so glad we've found something that he loves...it actually seems to help when he's angry. It's awesome ; )
Luke - I don't think Luke is a bad guy. I've come to realize that 99% of the way he is stems directly from his upbringing. It's sad. I wish I had it in me to stick by him and wait to see if he could change. But I just can't. I'm not strong enough and I'm not willing to risk my sanity to wait around. We said "til death do us part"...but I think in this instance...I can't do it. I really do love him deep down....but I need stability. My kids need that. he can't give us that right now.
Me - I'm actually ok considering all that's going on. I've been trying to eat at least one meal a day. For awhile I wasn't eating much at all. I'm really focusing on getting myself mentally "healed" so to speak. I'm really trying to find out who I am...I don't know if it's possible. But I want to try.
Halloween Plans - We don't have the kid's costumes yet because Katelyn & Allen can't decide want they want to be. That's something I need to get accomplished this weekend. We're going to trick or treat in St. Clair. I live right in the middle of town - perfect place to trick or treat. It's funny...last year I was able to get rid of the candy without the kids noticing. This year Katelyn is going to be tricky to hide it from. I know it seems mean - but my kids don't eat candy except on very rare occasions. They'll get to keep a couple of pieces and the rest goes in the trash. They don't need to be eating that shit. It's pure sugar. No thank you.
Finances - I'm still behind but I'm DAMN close to catching up. I get paid on the 15th and I'll be caught up after that. I am SO glad. I hate being broke. It really sucks. I'm not totally broke but I definitely am scraping by.
Tampa - It's almost here!!! I am SO excited. Kris - we're hanging out at the hotel bar on Friday night if you want to come join us!!! I need to fill you in on where I'm staying so leave me your email address in a note.
Robert - I swear....that guy is like another one of my kids. He's doing ok. He can walk now. His ankles are healing well and he walks with crutches. He was in a wheelchair. He's going to see a dentist next week to see about getting implants since he lost his teeth. Also, he's suing GM because his air bag sensor went off but the air bags stayed intact. His face would be much better off if the airbags would've came out. Turns out, he wasn't drunk. His blood alcohol content was really low so they are pretty sure he just fell asleep. Scary. But I'm glad he's ok. Love that kid. I've been spending a lot of time at his apartment. me and the kids go over there and clean up his living room/kitchen and help him do his laundry. He'd do the same for me if I was injured.
I guess that's really all for now. My internet may get hooked back up today or tomorrow so you may hear from me this weekend. not sure.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I have to come up with $1000 for half of my retainer and then my lawyer will file the papers. It can't happen soon enough.
Courtney - I bought Eat Pray Love last night and I'm going to read it this weekend. Thank you hun.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Yesterday's training was awesome! You really impressed me with your will to learn and try new things. I know cold calling is not fun. That's why we're trying to change things up a bit. I'm not expecting you to get a prospect list, make some calls and get appts right away. That's not the point of this. This is not telemarketing. This is personal marketing. Getting the answers. Asking the right questions so that we can talk to the decision maker rather than just a secretary.
Between you, Keelyn, and myself - we called a total of 26 prospects in the BDT Pipeline. Of those 26 we got 12 appts. That is amazing. What's even more amazing is that 9 of those were yours! We knew when you got hired on that you had the knack for sales, but I'm astonished at how great you are doing in your first month here.
Next week, you and I will be going together on some sales calls that you set up. Those will be your personal relationships. From there, you will be getting partial comission on top of your current pay. Once you go to outside sales completely, you'll own those accounts and you'll make full comission. What you bring in, you keep. You can make a lot of money and have a lot of fun with this. It may be 6 months to a year before you go completely to outside sales but I really think that appointment setting and personal marketing to get those appointments over the phone will really help you learn what your sales strategy is. Everyone has a different style. Hang in there. I know being in the office most of the time isn't as much fun as being outside...but that will come in time. So far you have truly proven your abilities and Kate is really impressed. We had a meeting late yesterday and I bragged on you and made sure she knew that you are moving forward in your training and really working hard.
I am thrilled with the Business Development Team. I really think that you and Keelyn are going to kick some ass. We needed young people to come in and change things up. Some of the salespeople that have been here for years...they are happy with the accounts they've got. They don't care about going out and finding new business. That is where you will excel.
Keep on keepin on! You're doing great!
So...that gives you the basic idea of how it's going. Work is amazing. I absolutely love my job. Love the business development team. We have a great team and I'm learning from the best. The pay is fantastic. I am just really happy here :)
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
Now, I'm not mad at my brother, I just wish he would've kept his mouth shut and left it alone....
Anyway...we only live 2 blocks from the bar so Melvin stumbled down to our house and had us call the cops. After I called the cops, he told me that my brother was the one who did it. I was pissed. I had just called the cops on my own brother for defending himself. Anyway - Melvin is fine. He's just banged up. But that was a lovely end to my already shitty birthday.
Yesterday was equally awful for different reasons. I'm glad the weekend is over.
I don't even feel like talking about the rest of it.
Friday, October 5, 2007
I went to my first counseling session with ALIVE. It was a good experience for me. It was hard to talk about certain things...and actually admit some of the things my husband has done...but I think it was good for me to say it out loud. She helped me find an attorney and I have an appointment on Wednesday to see her. I want this to just be over with.
Last night I couldn't sleep. Just kept wondering how I got here. How my life ended up this way.
Whatever...I'm changing it now. That's all that matters, right?
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Work is busy! I love it though. A lot of you said you wanted to know what I'm doing at my new job. I work for an office supply/furniture distributor. We sell nationwide but corporate headquarters are here in St. Louis and we have another office/warehouse in Kansas City. They hired me to work on the business development team. I'm on what they call a "FastTrack" to outside sales. I have never worked in outside sales so they didn't want to just throw me out there. So I'm working mostly in the office right now. the first week I worked with customer service and that was a piece of cake because I did this for 4 years at Office Solutions. This week I'm in sales training. The first 6 months will be a lot of training and making cold calls from the office...trying to get appointments for our sales people. It's not fun...but it's AWESOME practice for when I'm on my own. I don't have a quota...they've never had one specific person doing this so if we get ZERO appointments it's no big deal. It's more for my benefit than anything.
Yesterday I had to sit in the conference room with my boss and our top sales guy....and I had to make cold calls with them observing. Talk about a scary experience! I've never had to do that, let alone in front of someone!! BUT - I got 100%. They graded me just so I knew where I stood. I am SO thrilled that I did a good job. I'm pretty proud of myself.
Anyway - I have literally NO time to even breathe because they constantly have me doing something. And I love it!
Well I have to go to a meeting...just wanted to stop in and say that I really miss you guys! And for those of you who left notes that you were worried about me - I'm ok. Really, I am. That could change in an hour or a day or a week... but right now I'm fine. Thanks for caring :)
Thursday, September 13, 2007
I know it has taken me forever to update but life has been hectic. I'm going to start a few weeks back. Do me a favor, if you don't agree with my decisions that's fine...just try to have some tact. I've heard enough shit from my family and friends about how stupid I am and I don't know how much more I can take.
We'll start with how I got Cole back. Luke took him on Friday (aug 24th). On that following Sunday I came home from St. Louis and found a note on my coffee table begging me to take him back. I figured that since he changed his tune I might be able to just be nice to him and convince him to drop the restraining order against me. After all, everything he put on there were lies. I texted him to please let me see my son. He called me back right away and told me I could come out to his dad's house to see him. He voided the restraining order he had against me when he called me so I wasn't worried about him calling the cops on me or anything like that. We talked for 2 hours. I told him I am not in love with him anymore. I begged him to let me take Cole with me and he was not agreeable. he basically told me that if I didn't let him move back in that he was going to run out of the state with Cole and I'd never find him. Now...I realize that I can go to court and try to get Cole back. BUT - I had been without my son for 3 days and that was too long. I was a wreck that weekend. I've never felt so depressed and sad.
So I did what I had to do. I let him move back in that following weekend. I got my son back. That's all that mattered. I hated the fact that he was living in my house. But I had to be with my son and at that point that was the only way. I had some lovely friends who helped me get my rent paid but I still had bills that I couldn't pay for and we had almost NO food. Luke had enough money to get some groceries and pay some of the bills. Our electric stayed on and we were able to feed the kids. He went back to being nice to me and helping me around the house. Secretly I was just waiting to start my new job so I could toss his ass out and have all the legal stuff underway. Unfortunately I have started my new job but I don't get my first paycheck until the 30th. And it's not enough to cover everything. So I have to let him stay until October's rent and bills get taken care of. Otherwise I will lose my house and I don't know what I will do then. I've been trying to just be nice but it's really hard to even talk to him because at this point I can't stand his presence.
He's been hounding me about having sex. I never want to. Obviously! Anyway - I've only had sex with him twice just so he would leave me alone and every time I felt so dirty...and I hated every second of it. I felt like I had to. On Tuesday night of this week things got really bad. Luke was annoying the shit out of me but I put on my happy face and pretended that life was grand. He went to bed at 9. I wasn't ready to go to sleep so I played on the internet for a little bit. I went to bed at 10 and he begged me for sex. I told him I was going to sleep and he flipped out. he got up and stood next to the bed and proceeded to jack off facing me and our bed. I was disgusted so I grabbed a pillow and a blanket and tried to get out to the living room. He stopped me at the bedroom door and pushed me down on the floor. I got back up and tried to get past him to go into the living room and he threw me against the wall. As soon as I stood up he pushed me down again. Finally I threatened to call the police and he stopped. I couldn't call the police anyway. They had to come out the day he took Cole and they said if they came out again they would call DFS because we can't stop fighting in front of our kids. I know that DFS has no reasn to take my kids from me but I'm not taking any chances when it comes to my kids. Eventually he let me go to sleep. Last night he left me alone thank god.
The problem is that my lawyer can't move things along any faster than he already is. Luke has already let me know that if I kick him out he will take Cole and he will make sure I never see him again. He is manipulating the situation and if I do one thing that pisses him off too much he'll take Cole and be gone. It's not as easy as it seems. I can't just leave. I just started a new job and I can't afford to miss a day this early on. I need to get a restraining order but I'm going to have to let my lawyer handle it because I cannot ask off in my first week here. He's causing me a lot of stress and it's ridiculous.
He pretty much has control of everything right now. Anyway - I'm ok. I'm just not sure what is going to happen. All I know is that if I have to live like this a little longer, it will be worth it to not have him run off with Cole. It's a shitty situation. He's got issues that are deeper than I ever knew.
Anyway - my job is wonderful. The kids are fine. And if you were wondering they didn't even wake up through the whole ordeal the other night. Thank God. I'll get through this. I've been through much worse.
** I forgot to mention that I went to court last Friday for the restraining order and the judge dropped it. Luke didn't even show for court. I have some down time right now so I'm sitting in my office trying to find a bank that will approve me for a loan for $1500 - $2000 so I can pay the bills and get groceries without him. If I can get that I can kick him out. Rosann said she'd keep Cole for me and Luke doesn't know where she lives or even her last name. Then I can keep him safe and still see him every day.
**I can't get a loan :( I cleared up all my credit card debt almost 2 years ago but it's still affecting my credit score. No one will give me a loan. I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Getting divorced is obviously the most major of all. I'm just in the beginning of it so I have no idea what lies ahead of me. I'm sure it's not going to be easy and I know that it's not going to be amicable all the way through. This is going to be good for me. Luke and I are in different places in our lives. I want so much more out of life. He just wants to stay where he's at...I don't want to lower my standards in life to be with a man who doesn't care. I want my children to grow up to be intelligent, loving, and successful individuals. Staying with him will not let me accomplish raising my kids the way I want to.
My new job...this is just the first time I'll have a job that I can make into a career. I was going nowhere fast with French and this is the perfect opportunity to get myself out there. Plus $20,000 more a year isn't too shabby! That will allow me to take care of myself and the kids by myself.
I've been working out again and walking 5 nights a week. I'm trying to eat better (working on this one!). I'm cooking more instead of going out. I was forced to when funds got tight. It's been a really good thing for me and the kids.
I'm going to really try to quit smoking. The Chantix is helping. I'm smoking about half as much as before. You are supposed to start it one week before you intend to quit. I started it Friday and I'm noticing that I don't even think about smoking near as much. Today, I didn't have my first ciggarette until noon! That's a record for me!
There are so many things I want to do in life...and these are the changes I'm making right now. There will be more to come but I don't want to overwhelm myself too much.
This has been really tough...all these changes. But I keep reminding myself that this is better for me and the kids...
Katelyn & Cole will get me through this...I know they will.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
I have a long entry to write about all the things I'm doing to change my life...to make it better. But I simply don't have the time to sit and write it all out right now.
I've been busy cleaning today since I'm finally feeling better. Pneumonia SUCKS! I hope I never get it again. Anyway - I have a wedding to go to today. Most of you know that the town I live in is not where I grew up. I grew up in a big city (St. Louis) and I live in a small SMALL town called St. Clair. People here are...well...a little backwards. Not all of them, but most. Anyway - I'm going to a true redneck wedding today. I'm imagining it should be sorta like that picture I just found. It's a "western theme" and the invitation said "western attire or casual. BYOB!" LMAO. Should be interesting. I'll be sure to take tons of pictures for ya'll to laugh at!
Anyway - hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend ;)
Friday, September 7, 2007
I swear, if one more person tells me it's stupid and it won't help, I'm gonna slap them.
Anyway - wish me luck. I really want to do this.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
He had to work on Tuesday so he couldn't come to her first day at school. This morning I had to meet him at the school and he walked in with me and Katelyn. I had to show him where her class was and where to pick her up. He didn't even want to meet the teacher. I introduced him to her and he hardly said a word. He didn't ask any questions. He was ready to go. I realize he probably knows that I have it under control but if I was in his shoes I'd still want to ask questions...and actually get to know the woman that would be teaching my child!
I told him at least 10 times that school lets out at 11 and he needed to be there on time to pick her up. He called me at 11:05 and said, "I should be there at 11:30, right?" I panicked. He hadn't even left his house yet! Luckily, the school has a daycare and any kids that aren't picked up go over to the daycare until their parents get there. BUT - I told Katelyn daddy would pick her up right after school. AND - I didn't pack a lunch because she wasn't staying all day. And I didn't send money because I didn't think she'd be there for lunch!
So he gets there and she's eating lunch with the daycare kids. They let her eat free today. Thank GOD! But I feel like an ASS because I didn't send a lunch or money and they probably think I'm an idiot!
Brian just doesn't get it. He's so irresponsible. I don't think he even has that parental instinct you should have as a parent.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Today was so emotional for me. Katelyn was so excited on the way to school.
Once we got there she was a little shy.
She clung to my leg for a few minutes but once Gwen got there she was ok. Gwen's mom is Ashley - a friend of mine that I went to preschool with!!! It's so awesome that our girls are now in the same class just like we were. I love it! Anyway - once Gwen got there she was off and running and yelled, "See ya mom! Love ya!!"
I held in the tears until I got to my car. Then I was a bawling mess!! It was a mixture of emotions. I was so excited for Katelyn because I know this will be wonderful for her. But I was also overwhelmed with feelings of sadness because my baby is growing up. Me and Kate have been through a lot together in the last 4 years and I am so damn proud of her...I just can't explain it.
When I picked her up she was SO excited to see me and tell me all about it. Again, it brought tears to my eyes.
Monday, September 3, 2007
I am thrilled for her. She is going to love every minute of it. But I'm also sad to see her growing up. I keep thinking of her as a newborn. I was 21 - but now that I look back me and Brian seemed SO young then. We really didn't have a clue. I have to say we did a pretty good job...or well, I did. She has grown into an independent and intelligent four year old. I'm just not ready for her to be so independent. I know she'll be one of the kids at preschool that yells, "See ya later mom!" and off she'll go. I'll secretly be wishing she were one of the kids that clings to their mother's leg and doesn't want her to leave. ; )
I know she'll do great. She's one smart cookie. It's just bittersweet to watch your kids grow up. I'm excited for tomorrow because I can't wait to see how much she loves it. But I'm also dreading it because I know I'll be in tears!
Happy Monday : )