Tuesday.

Lately, everyday has been a test of my strength or faith. I'm trying to be stronger than I am. I'm trying to make sure that my kids live a normal life no matter what is going on. I'm trying to be the best at my job (currently the only thing I seem to be succeeding at). I'm trying to just live day to day. I'm hoping and praying that each choice I make is the right one. I'm so incredibly scared of failing. I'm scared of not coming out on top when this is all over with. I know I can get through this, it's just really fucking difficult.

Looking Up.

Things are about to change for the better.

My parents are going to pay for the attorney so I can file for divorce. Finances were the only thing holding me back. They are also going to loan me the money for first month's rent and a deposit on an apartment in St. Louis. I need to move back home. Being an hour and a half away from work and my family is too much. I need to cut down the commute and be near the people who love and care about me.

Things are looking up and I am so grateful for that.

A List.

Lately life has been a rollercoaster and I haven't been feeling very positive. I'm really trying to make an effort to be positive about everything in my life, no matter how bad it is. Feeling shitty and getting upset do me NO good at all. So...here are the things that make me happy, things that make me smile, things I adore : )

• My kids
• My family
• My friends
• Long bubble baths
• Pedicures
• Watching the sunset (cheesy, I know!!)
• Intellectual conversation
• Reading a good book
• Crying happy tears
• Painting Katelyn's nails
• Watching my babies sleeping
• The way Cole says "mama"
• Watching Allen paint
• Hearing Katelyn sing
• knowing that my mom is proud of me
• Cleaning my house
• clean sheets
• leaving the windows open
• Wearing sweatpants on a cold day
• hugs
• Talking on the phone
• Sleeping past 7 am
• hot tea with honey
• summer
• Sitting on the beach with my toes in the sand.
• Reading books to my kids.
• The smell of clean laundry
• Cooking a big dinner
• Laughing
• Gossiping with Chantele
• Acting stupid/silly with my sister
• Bud Light
• Jaegerbombs!!(sp?)
• Shopping at Target
• Shopping at Goodwill
• Looking at old pictures
• Remembering my Grandma's voice (so hard to do anymore!)
• Talking to my mom on the phone after work
• Emailing my mom/sister/Sara while I'm at work
• Cloth diapers :)
• Tofu
• Microsuede couches
• Hearing about Kate's day at school
• Washing my car
• Big Sunglasses
• Writing in OD
• Listening to music
• Yard Sales
• Holding a newborn baby
• Taking pictures
• Hanging out at the river
• Listening to my kid's laughter.
• Being in love (Ha! ironic huh?)
• Massages
• hot showers
• Buying new jewelry
• Wearing heels
• My favorite jeans
• Tanning
• Taking a nap with my babies :)
• Talking a walk
• Working out

I could go on forever....but I am out of time :)

Movin' On.

I absolutely adore this song. Music is like some sort of weird therapy for me and this song just really helps me.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn'tStopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on