What It Feels Like.

It's similar to when someone dies.

You are so hurt that they left you. So angry that they put you through this pain. So sad that they'll never be a part of your world again. I am on a rollercoaster.

I went to see Beth last night - and that will be a different entry because it was so much fun and I want that to be a happy entry....but anyway - I had a great time...even though I'm sick as hell. I'm home now...and I'm alone...And that's when all these thoughts start swirling around.

I guess if you've never been through a divorce you can't really understand. Breaking up with Brian was really hard on me and I thought that would be the hardest thing I'd ever do. A breakup and a divorce - two different things and now I realize that.

Nothing in me wants him back - nothing. I just go from being filled with rage that he would be so hateful to do this to me - to being so sad that my marriage ended. And then I'm feeling sorry for him for being raised by such a douchebag, because that's part of his fucking problem.I feel so out of control right now. My emotions are all over the place. I have no control over them and I can't stand it.

Something else about this that I don't understand...is that it just hits me like a ton of bricks and I never see it coming. I can be in a great mood and then it just hits me and I'm overwhelmed with grief. Just 20 minutes ago I was making hot tea and I remembered that once when Luke made me mad over something stupid he went to the Asian grocery store for me and bought me my favorite green tea. So I was making my tea and I just stood there and sobbed. I couldn't stop. I laid on my kitchen floor and sobbed. Who fucking does that???? It's literally like physical pain.This isn't fucking normal.I need a hug. I need to hear that it's gonna be ok. I need my friends. But I can't fucking call anyone because I lost my fucking voice. Seriously. Today sucks.