What It Feels Like.

It's similar to when someone dies.

You are so hurt that they left you. So angry that they put you through this pain. So sad that they'll never be a part of your world again. I am on a rollercoaster.

I went to see Beth last night - and that will be a different entry because it was so much fun and I want that to be a happy entry....but anyway - I had a great time...even though I'm sick as hell. I'm home now...and I'm alone...And that's when all these thoughts start swirling around.

I guess if you've never been through a divorce you can't really understand. Breaking up with Brian was really hard on me and I thought that would be the hardest thing I'd ever do. A breakup and a divorce - two different things and now I realize that.

Nothing in me wants him back - nothing. I just go from being filled with rage that he would be so hateful to do this to me - to being so sad that my marriage ended. And then I'm feeling sorry for him for being raised by such a douchebag, because that's part of his fucking problem.I feel so out of control right now. My emotions are all over the place. I have no control over them and I can't stand it.

Something else about this that I don't understand...is that it just hits me like a ton of bricks and I never see it coming. I can be in a great mood and then it just hits me and I'm overwhelmed with grief. Just 20 minutes ago I was making hot tea and I remembered that once when Luke made me mad over something stupid he went to the Asian grocery store for me and bought me my favorite green tea. So I was making my tea and I just stood there and sobbed. I couldn't stop. I laid on my kitchen floor and sobbed. Who fucking does that???? It's literally like physical pain.This isn't fucking normal.I need a hug. I need to hear that it's gonna be ok. I need my friends. But I can't fucking call anyone because I lost my fucking voice. Seriously. Today sucks.

Karma.

I'm a huge believer in karma. Do something stupid, it will come back to haunt you. Do something mean/hurtful - it will come back and bite you in the ass.

Most of you know that Katelyn's dad is REALLY behind in child support. He's never paid for more than 2 months at a time. He rarely holds a job for more than two weeks. He loves her, but he has no ambition and he's irresponsible.

He owes me close to $8000 in back child support. She's only 4. That's ridiculous. He only has to pay about 1/8 of his actual income when he works so he has no excuse for why he can't pay it.

Well...just today I was thinking about how I hadn't heard anything about when his next court date is. And we haven't talked to him in over a week. Turns out, he was in jail. Why? For not paying his child support! He's out on bond...but he has to go back to court Dec 20th and he'll probably go right back to jail.

Karma is a bitch. Don't fuck with her.

People Say It's Only In My Head....

I have this urge to really write - to be really honest about how I feel right now. But for some reason everytime I come here, I can't get it out. Several people have asked me if I'm ok. I don't know how to respond to that. I have many many things to be happy about but there is also sadness in my life right now.

Robert said to me yesterday, "Normally you are so bubbly and upbeat. That's why we became friends. You love life and it's contagious." He's right. Normally I am the life of the party. I'm always doing something. I love to be busy and I love to be around people. Lately, not so much. I have no desire to do anything...and that's not good. I need to get back to my normal self. I need to take my kids to the park and play outside. I need to let Katelyn help me cook dinner instead of rushing through it so I can just sit and think. It's not fair to my kids.

I know that everyone pictures me laying on my couch bawling my eyes out, but I haven't really cried much. It's just a weird feeling I've been having. It makes sense in my head and I wish I could type it out so it would make sense to others...but I guess that doesn't really matter. This is for me, right?

Starting today I'm going to make an honest effort to smile. I'm going to make an honest effort to get myself back and drag myself out of this depression I'm falling into.

Although I've been dealt a bad hand, life has been good to me. I am blessed to have 2 beautiful kids that need me more than I need to mope.

Alone.

This weekend I found myself constantly feeling like I needed to be around someone. A friend...family..a stranger at the damn grocery store. I don't know what it is, I guess I'm lonely in a way. It's weird because once I have someone around, I want them to leave so I can be alone. Fucking bizarre. I don't know what my deal is. But now, it's Sunday night and the kids are asleep. Now I feel extremely lonely.

I know that tomorrow is the start of a new week...I'll get up...go to work...come home...and be alone every night after the kids go to bed. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely thrilled that Luke is gone and the worst bout of loneliness wouldn't make me want him back. I'm just not used to being alone.











I had a great time with my kids this weekend but when they're sleeping it's just so quiet here. I don't have any desire to watch tv. I cleaned a little but I got a little ADD with that and got bored. I drove to St. Louis on Saturday to go to Aeriana's soccer game and out to lunch for my mom's 49th birthday. That was good. Kept my mind off of things.

I know that everything I'm feeling is probably very normal when you are going through a divorce. But ultimately I've never been through this and I had no idea what to expect.


I guess all I can do is take a deep breath and tell myself....This too shall pass.

The End.

I've been giving myself pep talks for over a week. I knew that filing for divorce was going to be tough. I knew that I had to get over my fear my what my husband might do, but I didn't know how. I hardly slept last night. I must have fell asleep around 2 am and I woke up at 5:30 to him rubbing all over me. It disgusted me and it took everything in me not to throw up. Normally, I would give in just for the sake of avoiding a fight. I would lay there and basically let him do what he wanted with me and cry until it was over. Today I decided, I wasn't going to give him that pleasure.

I told him to get off of me and I got up and took a shower. I don't know how I don't have third degree burns...I had the water as hot as I could and I cried the whole 10 minutes I was in the shower. I guess I was subconsciously trying to rid myself of his fingerprints. I knew that today was the day he would have to leave our house. I knew that today was the last time he would be able to humiliate me like that. He will never be able to take my pride from me again.

I got myself ready for work while he went and did his "business" in the bathroom. I wanted to vomit the whole time. Me and the kids walked out the door in which he followed to tell the kids goodbye and tell me, "I love you." I said, "I love you too" and it made me sick. I do love him, but I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with the man I married and that is not who he is now.

He thought I went to work. Really I took the kids to the baby sitter's house like usual, and I went straight to my attorney's office. As I sat there filling out tons of paperwork and giving them all of this personal information, I couldn't help but wonder why. Why did it turn out this way? Why did he do this to me? Why do I choose men like this? Why did I do this to my kids? There are so many questions, and not a single answer.

After the attorney's office, I had to go over the courthouse to get an ex parte(restraining order). I filled out more paperwork and was then told that the judge actually wanted to speak with me. That rarely happens. They usually just sign it and don't talk to you until the court date. I went into his office and nearly fainted because I was so nervous. The judge didn't say a single word for what seemed like forever but in reality it was only a minute or two. He was staring at me and he finally said, "I'm going to sign this order of protection. I'm giving you temporary custody of your son. He doesn't get any visitation. I can see in your eyes that you are terrified of this man." He signed it and sent me on my way. That was all that was said in that office...well except for me telling him, "Thank you your honor. I appreciate this more than words can say."

Once the order was signed I had to go back to St. Clair. The courthouse is in the next town over (Union). But a St. Clair police officer had to accompany the Franklin County Sherriff to serve him with the papers since we live there. I met them at the police station and they said, "We'll be back in a few to let you know he's out of the house." They called it a "kick out". The term was thrown around so loosely like it's no big deal. My stomach was in knots while I waited for them to get back.

Once they said it was ok to go home, I picked up Robert and brought him with me because I was still scared. He changed the locks for me and I sat in the living room floor and cried. It's so hard...I know I need to be away from him. I don't want to be with him. But I'm mourning the ending of my marriage. It's like losing a loved one to a bad car accident.

He hasn't tried to contact me that I know of. Of course I've had several unknown calls on my cell that I am betting are him, but I can't prove it. His dad stopped by to pick up Allen's clothes and toys. That was hard. I am not even ready to write about that. Luke picked Allen up from Rosann's. I got there about an hour before he did so I got a chance to say goodbye. I took Allen outside and just hugged him for a long time. I can't do this...nevermind. I'm just not ready to write about that.

Anyway - I cheated tonight and took the kids to McDonald's. I bought myself a meal but couldn't eat it. I talked to Katelyn and explained to her that Luke and Allen are gonna go live somewhere else now. I explained that sometimes things just don't work out and this is what's best for all of us. She responded with, "Are you breaking up with him mommy?!" I sat there stunned and finally just said, "Yes that's pretty much what is happening." I explained that she'll get to play with Allen at Rosann's as long as Luke keeps taking him there. She didn't honestly seem to affected...but give it a week or two. She'll have tons of questions.

I am beyond exhausted. My eyes hurt from crying. My heart feels heavy tonight.

Another Step.

Tomorrow I will give my attorney $1500 to change my life.

I am relieved but terrified.

This is a feeling I've never experienced and I'm not quite sure how to explain it.

Freedom is such a precious thing...and I'm ready to get that back.

Just A Few Pictures.

Intelligence.

I just came from Katelyn's parent teacher conference. Yes, they do them for preschool. I mainly wanted to sign up for one just to make sure she's doing ok with all that's going on at home. She goes to a strict private Catholic school. The teachers are wonderful but they mean business. Anyway - the conference was good.

She started with, "I'm going to be brutally honest..."

Insert MAJOR freak out on my part. I was expecting the worst.

Then she smiled and said, "She is such a joy to have in class and if she wasn't here, the class would fall apart!"

She expressed to me her concern that she is going to be bored in school because she is so far ahead of the other kids. Her writing is past Kindergarten level. She can read lots of words. She knows the days of the week and announces what the date is every day to the class before the teacher gets a chance to. LOL.

She's very social and her classmates all fight over who gets to play with her. LMAO. NOT the same at home.

There is so much more...but I don't have time to write it all out.

Of course, I am incredibly proud that my 4 year old is such a big girl. But at the same time, I'm scared for her. Being super smart isn't always easy in school. I don't want her to be bored. I don't want her to hate school. She reminds me so much of my brother and he absolutely hate school after Kindergarten. He was bored to tears because he was just so far beyond his classmates.

It's frightening to me. It really is.

Tuesday.

Lately, everyday has been a test of my strength or faith. I'm trying to be stronger than I am. I'm trying to make sure that my kids live a normal life no matter what is going on. I'm trying to be the best at my job (currently the only thing I seem to be succeeding at). I'm trying to just live day to day. I'm hoping and praying that each choice I make is the right one. I'm so incredibly scared of failing. I'm scared of not coming out on top when this is all over with. I know I can get through this, it's just really fucking difficult.

Looking Up.

Things are about to change for the better.

My parents are going to pay for the attorney so I can file for divorce. Finances were the only thing holding me back. They are also going to loan me the money for first month's rent and a deposit on an apartment in St. Louis. I need to move back home. Being an hour and a half away from work and my family is too much. I need to cut down the commute and be near the people who love and care about me.

Things are looking up and I am so grateful for that.

Support.

I think I finally have full support from my parents when it comes to the divorce. I think my mom's concern was about how I would afford my own place. How I would afford the bills alone. How would I deal with the kids alone?

Well...I already pay 95% of the bills without help from him. What he pays is so little that it's not going to affect me. Dealing with the kids? Well, right now I have 3 kids...two of my own and one stepchild. I deal with them ALONE now. When we officially are apart I'll only have my two and to be completely honest, Allen is like having 4 kids at one time so I'll be just fine. Katelyn has her moments but she's a pretty easy kid. Cole is always getting into things, but what 15 month old isn't?? I've already been through this stage with two other children. I'm much more laidback with him because I know in time it will pass.

Will I be lonely? Maybe. But I've made a vow to myself. I'm going to be completely single for at least one full year after my divorce is final. No dates. No sex. No men. Period. Sounds easy right? Well it's not. But that's ok, I'll be fine. I want to do this. I want to be alone and really figure out what I want out of a relationship...and if I ever really want one again.

I'm going to be ok. I have faith. I have my kids. I have my family & friends. I've got God.

I don't need a man. I don't need the drama/problems. I have my babies...and that's all I need :)

Katelyn...On God.

Last night after trick or treating an interesting conversation happened in my car....

Katelyn: Mommy, where is god?
Me: Well, he's way up in the sky, in heaven.
Katelyn: What's he doing up there?
Me: He's watching over all the people in the world.
Katelyn: Why?
Me: Because that's his job.
Katelyn: God has a job? Isn't he a little busy to have a job?

Me: Well, he is a pretty busy guy with lots of jobs.
Katelyn: Was he watching over our Robert when he had his crash? Is that why Robert is ok?

Me: Yes baby. God decided that he wasn't ready for Robert to come up to heaven. He decided to let us keep him a little while longer.
Katelyn: Wow. God is super cool like you mom. But I still think you are way better.


We talk about God a lot and I'm glad that she asks questions. But, that was really tough for me, because she's just so young to be asking questions like that. It's interesting how perceptive kids are. Happy November everyone.