I Hate Men.

I know it has taken me forever to update but life has been hectic. I'm going to start a few weeks back. Do me a favor, if you don't agree with my decisions that's fine...just try to have some tact. I've heard enough shit from my family and friends about how stupid I am and I don't know how much more I can take.

We'll start with how I got Cole back. Luke took him on Friday (aug 24th). On that following Sunday I came home from St. Louis and found a note on my coffee table begging me to take him back. I figured that since he changed his tune I might be able to just be nice to him and convince him to drop the restraining order against me. After all, everything he put on there were lies. I texted him to please let me see my son. He called me back right away and told me I could come out to his dad's house to see him. He voided the restraining order he had against me when he called me so I wasn't worried about him calling the cops on me or anything like that. We talked for 2 hours. I told him I am not in love with him anymore. I begged him to let me take Cole with me and he was not agreeable. he basically told me that if I didn't let him move back in that he was going to run out of the state with Cole and I'd never find him. Now...I realize that I can go to court and try to get Cole back. BUT - I had been without my son for 3 days and that was too long. I was a wreck that weekend. I've never felt so depressed and sad.

So I did what I had to do. I let him move back in that following weekend. I got my son back. That's all that mattered. I hated the fact that he was living in my house. But I had to be with my son and at that point that was the only way. I had some lovely friends who helped me get my rent paid but I still had bills that I couldn't pay for and we had almost NO food. Luke had enough money to get some groceries and pay some of the bills. Our electric stayed on and we were able to feed the kids. He went back to being nice to me and helping me around the house. Secretly I was just waiting to start my new job so I could toss his ass out and have all the legal stuff underway. Unfortunately I have started my new job but I don't get my first paycheck until the 30th. And it's not enough to cover everything. So I have to let him stay until October's rent and bills get taken care of. Otherwise I will lose my house and I don't know what I will do then. I've been trying to just be nice but it's really hard to even talk to him because at this point I can't stand his presence.

He's been hounding me about having sex. I never want to. Obviously! Anyway - I've only had sex with him twice just so he would leave me alone and every time I felt so dirty...and I hated every second of it. I felt like I had to. On Tuesday night of this week things got really bad. Luke was annoying the shit out of me but I put on my happy face and pretended that life was grand. He went to bed at 9. I wasn't ready to go to sleep so I played on the internet for a little bit. I went to bed at 10 and he begged me for sex. I told him I was going to sleep and he flipped out. he got up and stood next to the bed and proceeded to jack off facing me and our bed. I was disgusted so I grabbed a pillow and a blanket and tried to get out to the living room. He stopped me at the bedroom door and pushed me down on the floor. I got back up and tried to get past him to go into the living room and he threw me against the wall. As soon as I stood up he pushed me down again. Finally I threatened to call the police and he stopped. I couldn't call the police anyway. They had to come out the day he took Cole and they said if they came out again they would call DFS because we can't stop fighting in front of our kids. I know that DFS has no reasn to take my kids from me but I'm not taking any chances when it comes to my kids. Eventually he let me go to sleep. Last night he left me alone thank god.

The problem is that my lawyer can't move things along any faster than he already is. Luke has already let me know that if I kick him out he will take Cole and he will make sure I never see him again. He is manipulating the situation and if I do one thing that pisses him off too much he'll take Cole and be gone. It's not as easy as it seems. I can't just leave. I just started a new job and I can't afford to miss a day this early on. I need to get a restraining order but I'm going to have to let my lawyer handle it because I cannot ask off in my first week here. He's causing me a lot of stress and it's ridiculous.

He pretty much has control of everything right now. Anyway - I'm ok. I'm just not sure what is going to happen. All I know is that if I have to live like this a little longer, it will be worth it to not have him run off with Cole. It's a shitty situation. He's got issues that are deeper than I ever knew.

Anyway - my job is wonderful. The kids are fine. And if you were wondering they didn't even wake up through the whole ordeal the other night. Thank God. I'll get through this. I've been through much worse.

** I forgot to mention that I went to court last Friday for the restraining order and the judge dropped it. Luke didn't even show for court. I have some down time right now so I'm sitting in my office trying to find a bank that will approve me for a loan for $1500 - $2000 so I can pay the bills and get groceries without him. If I can get that I can kick him out. Rosann said she'd keep Cole for me and Luke doesn't know where she lives or even her last name. Then I can keep him safe and still see him every day.

**I can't get a loan :( I cleared up all my credit card debt almost 2 years ago but it's still affecting my credit score. No one will give me a loan. I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up.